Categories
Uncategorized

Writing Your Facebook Dating Profile: 8 Key Tips


I’m on many dating/match sites. Why? Because I am an active senior who wants to “play the field” and have experiences with a variety of men. So, I don’t “go” for those singles groups sponsored by local churches or community organizations. They are, frankly, quite boring and always seem to involve the same types of people – lonely souls who have too much in common. That’s just not me. I crave adventure.

When Facebook launched its dating app in 2019, I wasn’t surprised. After all, they are getting into anything these days. I was a bit intrigued. After all, Facebook has over 200 million singles on its platform. While there is lots of talk about people leaving Facebook in favor of other platforms, there is still a huge pool of people sharing their lives on this platform. And Facebook, in an effort to stay current and competitive, is scrambling to stay relevant. Chances are, they will.

But the real purpose here is to speak to setting up a Facebook dating profile. I’ve done it pretty successfully if responses are any indication. So, I am passing on these tips to help you do the same.

1. Make the Most of Your 500 Characters
Obviously, you cannot say a lot with 500 characters, so make your profile count. Think about three catchy adjectives that describe you. In lieu of that, tell a very short anecdote that shows your personality. You must also save room to say what you are looking for – very briefly and in very general terms. This is not the place for a detailed checklist. That’s for later when you are in the exploration stages with a contact you have made.

2. Facebook Dating App Is Not Tinder
While Tinder and Facebook both allow 500-character profiles, their purpose is very different. Tinder is basically a site for hook-ups, and profiles should reflect that. Facebook Dating App is a site for seeking relationships, and that requires a profile that is a bit more conservative, yet still engaging and as creative as possible. If you find yourself struggling to come up with such a profile, consider getting some help. There are a lot of creative writers at PapersOwl writing service, and a 500-character profile will be extremely reasonable.

3. Lose the Negativity
Do not “dis” on past relationships or speak to what you do not want in a potential relationship. This is a huge “turn-off” and sets you up as an unhappy, un-fun person. You are guaranteed to get very few “likes.” All of your words must be more general and upbeat. What do you love to do? What are the general personality traits you are looking for in a partner? Stay away from the physical. First of all, your profile pictures will take care of that. And once you make contact with someone, their profile pictures will do the same.

4. Be Sure To Answer As Many of the Questions As You Can
Below your profile picture and your text, you will find a large set of questions that will provide many more details about you- your personality, your favorites, your dreams/goals, and some are posed as somewhat silly. “If I could only eat three foods for the rest of my life, they would be…” is a typical example of this.
The point is this: once your profile is available to a contact, s/he will be able to delve much deeper into who you are, and vice versa.

5. Take the Time To Choose the Right Pictures
In some cases, your Facebook profile picture may be right; often, though, it is not. And many of your photos on your Facebook account are group shots. You can have a few photos but choose wisely. One key tip here: do not use filters. Most people will recognize this and feel that you are being a bit deceptive. Post a few pictures but not too many. You don’t want to seem too “full” of yourself.

6. Show Confidence Without Arrogance
Research shows the online daters who are confident are more likely to show that confidence in their dating profiles. But there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Have a couple of friends read it and give their opinion. You can be confident and still a bit modest.

7. Use Pictures Elsewhere in Your Profile Space
Pictures can show a lot about your personality – not pictures of you but of things you like. When you answer some of the questions, post images of related things, showing some of your personality. You can also use pictures and designs as backgrounds for your answers.

8. Watch the Grammar and Spelling
Your dating profile will not be written in complete sentences – most are not, given that they are only 500 characters in length. But even phrases need to make grammatical sense. Spelling can be an issue. Because Facebook dating is a mobile app, there is autocorrect. If not watched carefully, there can be a total mismatch of words. Do not publish your profile until you have proofread it several times.

The Future of Facebook Dating App
Facebook Dating App is relatively new in the online dating and matches universe. And the verdict is probably still out on its long-term success. But, as stated earlier, there are some 22 million singles still on Facebook, and that’s a large pool of relationships in the making. If you decide to register and set up a profile, these 8 tips should help.

Signup for Our Newsletter

Categories
Uncategorized

The Psychology of Scent: Attracting Women in Dating


The Real Man

Antonio Centeno is a fashionista and entrepreneur from Wittenberg, Wisconsin. He has a youtube channel called Real Men Real Style (RMRS), operative since 2010. Centeno has created 1,687 videos, boasting some 2.7 million subscribers, with over 300,000,000 views. His videos offer advice for men on clothing and grooming, business development, and relationships. Antonio has his own skincare line too, named Vitaman. With fellow style guru “Alpha M,” or Aaron Marino, he generated the Menfluential conferences for men. Moreover, in 50 or so of his videos he has featured invaluable advice on fragrance. In fact, Antonio has over 300 bottles of cologne in his personal collection.

In the Field

Antonio Centeno (RMRS, 2015) recounts an encounter with a pretty stewardess while boarding an airplane, wherein he handed her his ticket and she remarked, “You smell wonderful!” Antonio declares that this is “primal” and people take notice of men (including myself), who sport a scent, although only 20 percent of men don a scent regularly. Nevertheless, it can be foremost in women’s minds when choosing a man. Antonio ranks and suggests what fragrances best suit a particular season. He outlines the increasing perfume oil concentrations in alcohol, as the cost per bottle rises commensurately. Next, he directs where and how to apply the juice and to request feedback on it from others. Antonio alludes to his page, Centeno Real Men Real Style (n.d.), where we learn of designer brands, sold in many stores and costing up to $100; and niche versions, sold in shoppes and costlier–with an esoteric signature. Projection–the distance sent out from the body; and longevity–duration the fragrance remains, are covered, not to forget sillage, or the scent bubble and trail, encapsulating the wearer. He believes stress can be reduced, alertness augmented, and trust attained from others, through scent.

Women Like Notes

I (2016), had stated that perfumery is: an art—where the harmony and tension of various fragrance notes marshal a mood; and a science—where putting together the chemistry that molds these specific notes can attain the results that oversee the art. Therefore, when the notes of a fragrance delight and work together women, during dating, may find men more tantalizing.

Centeno, RMRS (n.d.) breaks down each smell’s fragrance pyramid—the top, middle, and bottom, notes; each comprised of different singular notes lasting various lengths of time. Antonio (RMRS, 2021, January 26) adumbrates the notes women find sexiest: aquatic, citrus, coffee, frankincense, leather, tobacco, vanilla, vetiver, and wood. He then presents what bottled fragrances feature combinations of some or all of these notes. He plugs his burgeoning “Mission” fragrance line; offering a course where its notes can be matched to a customer’s personal goals, which they condition themself into realizing by wearing the corresponding fragrance.   

 What Women Say

Feedspot Blog (2021) indicates that only a minority of those with a fragrance youtube channel are women. Centeno (who says that eight percent of his viewers are women), in his recent RMRS video (2021, April 10), reviews one of them—Michella—at Curly Fragrance. She, unlike Antonio, exhorts overspraying. The latter advocates spraying contingent on strength, employing common sense. Michella avers that she utilizes fragrance not for herself, but for other people to notice her and thereby garner compliments, not to mention get value for her investment. She affirms that that’s the way men can attract women. Antonio acquiesces. In fact, Courtney–rising star in guiding men’s fashion and lifestyle–at Courtney Ryan (2021), asseverates, “It’s an instant turn on.” She adds that fragrance makes men appear more complaisant, distinctive, and intriguing.

Smelling the Data

There is empirical data justifying Centeno’s assertions. Neuroscientist and renowned olfactologist Rachel Herz, Ph.D. (2009), explains that by applying fragrance the wearer believes they are more appealing to the other sex. Behaviorally, this can augment their confidence through their body language, which puts them in a more flirtatious and felicitous mood and cause people to gravitate towards their openness and warmth. Subsequently, this can create possible romantic scenarios. Herz affirms that pheromones, or secretions behaving like hormones but operating exterior to one’s own body, instigate a response from others, but doesn’t tell the whole story because such cannot be bottled and sold as an aphrodisiac. Nevertheless, she attests, “…my laboratory has shown that above all other physical characteristics, women rank how a man smells as…most important…for determining whether she will be sexually attracted to him.” However, Herz states that if a man’s unadorned natural body odor is appealing to them they will feel comfortable with him–making sure of optimum fertility and healthy offspring–but if he wears a specific fragrance she can be deceived into believing he is biologically suitable.

Further Inside the Brain, and Smell

Rachel Herz (2008) says that depressed people sometimes show a dearth of olfactory reactions. Moreover, people who have sensuous proclivities can become dejected if they, via brain damage through accident, lose their sense of smell. This is because their sexual and gustatory tastes can be extirpated, for enjoying another person’s body and, more so, tasting food are largely created by smell. One can also become disconnected with comforting memories and everyday activities often taken for granted. Emotion and smelling are integral to the limbic system—the brain’s medieval neural core. One of its essential structures is the amygdala which, Herz proclaims, is “…the brain’s locus of emotion” (p. 3). She adds that, being bereft of an amygdala, one cannot process, experience, express, learn, or recall emotions. Ergo, the greater the emotional response to a scent or fragrance, the greater the stimulus or activation is. No other system of sensation has such a rapprochement with the amygdala when it comes to psychobiologically manipulating human emotions.

Conclusion

Antonio Centeno, through his Real Men Real Style youtube videos, has demonstrated that men who wear fragrances can ameliorate their attractiveness to women during dating. The science, and women in the know, endorse him. 

References

Centeno, Antonio. (n.d.). Real Men Real Style. Introduction To Fragrance, Cologne, Eau De Toilette & Perfume | Why & How To Wear Fragrances. https://www.realmenrealstyle.com/introduction-to-fragrance/

Chirko, David. (2016, January 4). The Psychology of Perfume: Art vs. Science Commentary. perfumer & flavorist Vol. 41, pp. 38-9. https://media.allured.com/documents/PF_41_01_036_03.pdf 

Courtney Ryan. (2021, April 16). First 9 Things Women REALLY Notice About Guys | Courtney Ryan [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEV7Ed5eZdE

Feedspot blog. (2021, April 16). https://blog.feedspot.com/perfume_youtube_channels/

Herz, Rachel. (2008). The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell. New York, NY: Harper Perennial.

Herz, Rachel. (2009, March 19). Fragrant Attraction The power of fragrance in sexual attraction. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/smell-life/200903/fragrant-attraction

Real Men Real Style. (2015, October 14). A Man’s Introduction To Fragrance | Why & How To Wear Cologne Perfume Eau de Toilette[Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjSoBUWQ6eA&t=1s

Real Men Real Style. (2021, January 26). 21 Fragrances ALL Women ABSOLUTELY Love (High Sex Appeal) [Video]. Youtube. https://www.realmenrealstyle.com/fragrance-notes-attract-women/

Real Men Real Style. (2021, April 10). Antonio Reacts To Curly Fragrance // Honest Thoughts On Sissy Spraying [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvRZ8xVOe //gM

Signup for Our Newsletter

Posted by davidchirko

I am a Laurentian University graduate and an Affiliate Member of the American Psychological Association. I work as an abstract, acrylic artist in Sudbury, Ontario, Canada. My art is often shown in Toronto.

Categories
Uncategorized

Three Ways of Sabotaging Relationships & Causing Men to Pull Away


self sabotaging relationships
Are you Sabotaging Your Relationships?

Maybe you’ve met a few great men, but you suddenly get that gut feeling. He’s going to hurt me. And even though you insist, This guy’s different. And you vow, No, I’m going to ensure this relationship works out. Sadly, the bitter ending happens. And there you go back to the tissue box and Ben & Jerry’s. You’ve just played out a dating scenario that creates exactly the loss you’ve feared. In other words, you’re sabotaging relationships.

As Edna St. Vincent Millay said, “It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another—it’s one damn thing over and over.” She may just as well have been describing what I call the Deadly Dating Patterns.  These are unconscious  ways we have of self-sabotaging relationships.  But the great news is that even if you have a long-term deadly dating pattern, just recognizing it can be very helpful in freeing  you to go beyond it.  Here are three common sabotaging relationship patterns that push men away (adapted from my book, Love in 90 Days).

And don’t forget to check out the video on self-sabotaging relationships at the end of this post.

Sabotaging Relationships–Pattern #1  THE FLAME-OUT

This is one of the most common and deadliest of the self-sabotaging relationship patterns. You meet a guy, there’s lots of sparks, and he says all the right things! You think to yourself, He’s different; he’s the One. You are higher than a 747. You jump into the sack and have urgent, mind-blowing, maybe even unprotected sex. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You talk for hours and he understands you in a way that no one else does. Some of the texts he sends you are amazing—short love poems (about you) that zap your heart. You spend a glorious weekend together. Then kaput. Finito. Nada. You sit there alone, making excuses for why his text, e-mail, or call never comes.

Ginger, a 28-year-old artist, describes her Sabotaging Relationship Pattern

Justin seemed to be almost the opposite of my ex. Very talkative, very expressive and openly sensitive. I got a feeling he might be a little like my brother-in-law, John—just a real good guy. We spent five hours on the phone together the first time we talked. He said he can’t stop thinking about me, that he’d never met a woman like me.

Over the next few weeks Justin started crying about how much he “felt for” Ginger.  How amazing he felt when he was with her. Just when Ginger started daydreaming about a simple sunset wedding at their favorite beach, Justin disappeared into the dating Nether-worlds, never to be heard from again.

Sabotaging Relationships–Pattern #2  I’LL MAKE YOU LOVE ME

You’re turned on by the challenge of changing and winning over a guy who has “potential.” When you meet a guy you like, you immediately work overtime to get him: hopping right into bed, making exotic dinners, even buying him tickets to the playoffs. When you’re with him, you’re not yourself with him. In fact, you’re busy trying to be the image of what you think he wants in a woman. You’re his love slave, chef, therapist, and savior. But one thing you are not being is authentic, a real person, with real needs and desires. Those you keep hidden. You may feel that you are not that lovable, or that if you started asking for things, you’d be a drain.

All you want, consciously at least, is for him to stay and never leave you. What you get is a phone that never buzzes to announce a text from him. Ironically, your over-giving may even propel him into the arms of the nearest girly-girl who needs him to take care of her! When you finally get the bad news through the grapevine, you’re completely baffled at how stupid men can be.

Sheila, a thirty-three-year-old nurse, put it this way:

I’ve only had a few real long-lasting relationships. The worst part is that in each one I felt like I lost myself, my friends, my whole identity. I would come home and just do what he was doing, or hang out with his friends. I felt like I was being compromised, yet I wanted the relationship and really loved this person. The weird thing is that somehow in each relationship, the guy came to the conclusion that we were very different people, so we broke up and went our separate ways.

Sabotaging Relationships–Pattern #3  CHASE ME

You meet a guy, have great sex in his king-sized bed, and open up not only sexually but emotionally. Everything is unfolding perfectly. Too perfectly. After the cozy coupling and three-hour confessionals, you instinctively pull away. Almost against your own will, you find yourself running away while secretly hoping he’ll chase after you.

Your fear of commitment surfaces like a Loch Ness monster and starts running the show. You pull back and become unavailable, distant, or quiet—or you act crazy and dump him. Even if he acts loving, you insist that he doesn’t really care about you. It happens almost against your own will and for no particular reason.

The Chase Me is all about fear. When you start to fall for someone, you ultimately end up breaking up with him before he can hurt you. This way, you can control the heartbreak. What you really want is for the man you care for to smash through the barricades you’ve thrown up and ride in on his white horse and claim you, even if you are halfway around the world in Tokyo. But you never tell him. You set him up to fail you. Because you’ve pushed him away, he doesn’t chase after you. And you say to yourself and your friends, “I knew it all along.”

Shoko, a successful litigation lawyer, describes her Sabotaging Relationship Pattern

John was an up and coming superstar lawyer in a firm we often went up against. I loved to watch him work, even when we were on opposite sides of a case. One day we wound up having dinner, going to my place and hooking up. I think I had about four orgasms (and I had never been multi-orgasmic before that time). John and I were on the same wavelength; we got each other without having to say a word. After four weeks of juicy dating he used the L word and for some reason I felt totally turned off. I took a three-month assignment in Vegas and he came to visit me regularly.

We talked about living together back in Chicago but I told him to go out with other women in the meantime just to be sure. I don’t know what possessed me to say that, but when he asked if I was kidding, I said no. I think I wanted him to sweep me up in his arms and tell me how ridiculous that was. Instead he got this sad look on his face and left. I never once told him how I really felt about him and gave him very little encouragement. I hear that he’s gotten married, and meanwhile, I’m still waiting for Mr. Right.

Bottom Line

So there you have the top three sabotaging relationship patterns that push men away.  As you can see, these kinds of patterns truly work against you in love.   It is great to ask yourself, am I unconsciously stuck in any or these patterns?  If the answer is yes, work on consciously breaking your old self-defeating  patterns by dating against type.  Date guys who are different–who maybe don’t look the way you usually insist they look!  Or ones that are more into you than you are used to!  Or ones that like to claim you if you do pull away.  And if you catch yourself beginning to act out in a self-sabotaging way, nip it in the bud!

A huge resource is also available to you– have a breakthrough session by phone or Skype with one of my expert dating coaches.  Our team has helped tens of thousands of singles break self-sabotaging relationship patterns and find love that is just right for them.

And now please watch this video on overcoming self-sabotaging relationship patterns.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

Psychology of Women’s Emotions In Dating: What Men Should Know


Wingmam

Anna Maria Jorgensen is a former real estate agent, now a dating and relationship coach, from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Before coaching, she personally used numerous dating sites, then married, but is now single. In February 2016, she inaugurated her Your Wingmam youtube channel, where she currently features #JustTheTip Tuesday videos, therein “Helping You Get the Girl of Your Dreams!” To date, she has created 362 videos and garnered some 166,000 subscribers, with almost 20,000,000 total views. A comely woman with an endearing presence, Jorgensen combines wit with sagacity by employing sundry facial expressions and accompanying emojis to illustrate her points throughout the videos. She sold a “WakeUP2Luv” step-by-step home study program and penned a 2016 memoir, Me: A Rewrite. From Vanity Insanity to Self-Acceptance (Sort of).

Women and Emotions

In her video, Can She Love You? (2020), Jorgensen makes the asseveration that, in a woman’s brain, the “…emotional center is eight times bigger than a man’s.” In fact, psychologists Rob Pascale, Ph.D., and Lou Primavera, Ph.D. (2019) found that “The female brain has greater blood flow in the cingulate gyrus, the part…involved in processing emotions, resulting in more intense emotional reactions and…memories.” Jorgensen adds that, generally, women are not “linear” and don’t respond literally to situations as men might expect. For instance, what a woman says and feels may change from one day to another. Jorgensen avers, “You can’t use logic to convince a woman of anything” to succeed in dating. Therefore, a man will go awry if he employs his logic to comprehend a woman’s motives. He must then appeal to her fluctuating emotions and feelings, which are based on hormones and volatility.

From Biology to Dating

In her video How To Get A Girlfriend (2020), Jorgensen says that men are neurologically and biologically more influenced by the visual than women are. Thus, physical appearance is less significant for women, particularly if they seek a long-term relationship. This is why they often look beyond physicalities in on-line dating. Science writer Bruce Goldman (2017) delved into the work of psychology professor Diane Halpern, Ph.D. (2013). She studied brain circuitry in the sexes and discovered they varied. Furthermore, this affected cognition and behavior. Halpern declared this was not based on socialization practices but was biological.     

Boys, Girls, and Hormones

Jorgensen alludes to the sometimes controversial work (see Lilienfeld, et al., 2010, p. 145) of neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, B.A. (neurobiology), M.D. (2011), who discovered that boys solve personal issues by utilizing their analytical brain structures instead of their emotional ones. They are more attuned to hierarchy and rank and have a penchant for competitive, rough play. Girls are more cooperative in a similar play. Brizendine lists several areas of the brain that operate differently in the sexes. For instance, the sexual pursuit area in the hypothalamus (medial preoptic area) in the male brain is two and half times greater than in the female brain, making them fantasize more on feminine body parts. However, a woman’s mirror neuron system, which governs empathy, is more active than a man’s. Also, Brizendine states that, in the boy’s brain, mainly the hormones Mullerian inhibiting substance, testosterone, and vasopressin, defeminize, masculinize (empower) protect. This predisposes the brain’s circuits to what are typically male behaviors, possessing the earliest, lasting effects. In the girl’s brain, istrogen, oxytocin, progesterone, stimulate, soothe, and regulate. This heavily influences behavior. The nervous system and brain circuits are wired to their musculature, particularly the face, differently. Subsequently, increased pubertal testosterone causes men to see other people’s faces as more aggressive.  

Empathy and Space

A British psychologist and professor, Simon Baron-Cohen, Ph.D. (2003), affirms that earlier on, girls are more empathetic than boys and, later as women, share with their friends what distresses them more so than do men. As well, he states–referring to the studies of social psychologist Martin L. Hoffman, Ph.D. (1977) and others–that “Women…show more comforting behavior…of strangers, than men do” (p. 33). Baron-Cohen adds that in relationships, women can be more reciprocal and altruistic. He argues that, essentially, women are empathizing—using the left side of the brain, while men are systemizing—using the right. Women are superior in language skills because of better empathizing. Men are better in spatial ability (visualizing angles and movements of objects in space), because of higher systemizing, via analysis and exploration.

More Parts and Their Influence

British geneticist and broadcasting editor Anne Moir, Ph.D., author and broadcaster David Jessel, Dr.h.c. (1992), discuss the work of Canadian neuroscientist Sandra Witleson (1978). She avers that the corpus callosum, which links the brain’s hemispheres, comprises a bundle of nerve fibers more bulbous and thicker in women than in men. Therefore, women’s brain organization is more diffuse than are men’s, whose overall organization is more specific. Witleson discovered that women recognized emotionally charged visual images transmitted to either hemisphere of the brain. In contrast, men could recognize such content only when the image was sent to the right hemisphere. Because the exchange between the hemispheres is not as fluent in men, they retain their emotions steadfastly and are not as verbally dexterous as women in expressing them. Moreover, the speech areas utilized to verbalize how one feels are located on the brain’s left side. This would affect communication during dating. Perhaps this is why dating experts encourage men to allow women to be more loquacious in spoken exchanges. Women, too, are superior in ascertaining emotional cues in faces, gestures, and the voice (pp. 46-50).  

Conclusions

Scientifically speaking, dating coach Anna Jorgensen correctly affirms that women are, empathically, different from men, because of specific larger brain areas. They interpret facial cues, and are affected by physical appearances, differently, too. Men seeking relationships should espouse her advice by being less logical, and more deferential, with women’s emotions, to comprehend their sometimes seemingly irrational and unpredictable behaviors.  


Bibliography

Baron-Cohen, Simon. (2003). The Essential Difference Men, Women and the Extreme Brain. London, UK: Penguin Books.

Brizendine, Louann. (2011). The Male Brain: A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think. New York, NY: Harmony Books. https://www.amazon.ca/Male-Brain-Breakthrough-Understanding-Thinkebook/dp/B0030DHPA2/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=The+Male+Brain%3A+A+Breakthrough+Understanding+of+How+Men+and+Boys+Think&qid=1616270631&s=books&sr=1-1

Goldman, Bruce. (2017, Spring). Two minds The cognitive differences between men and women. Stanford Medicine. https://stanmed.stanford.edu/2017spring/how-mens-and-womens-brains-are-different.html

Halpern, Diane F. (2013). Sex Differences in Cognitive Abilities. Brandon, VT: Psychology Press.

Hoffman, Martin L. (1977). Sex differences in empathy and related behaviours. Psychological Bulletin, 84, pp. 712-22.

Jorgensen, Anna Maria. (2016). Me: A Rewrite: From Vanity Insanity to Self-Acceptance (Sort of). Vancouver, BC: Brave Little Bird Publishing. https://www.amazon.ca/Me-Rewrite-Vanity-Insanity-Self-Acceptance/dp/0993797903/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Me%3A+A+Rewrite.+From+Vanity+Insanity+to+Self-Acceptance+%28Sort+of%29.&qid=1616550571&s=books&sr=1-1

Lilienfeld, Scott O., Lynn, Steven J., Ruscio, John, & Beyerstein, Barry L. (2010). 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology. Chichester, UK: Wiley-Blackwell.

Moir, Anne, & Jessel, David. (1992). BrainSex The Real Difference Between Men & Women. Reading, UK: Mandarin.

Pascale, Rob, & Primavera, Lou. (2019, April 25). Male and Female Brains Are they wired differently? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/so-happy-together/201904/male-and-female-brainshange

Witleson, Sandra Freedman. (1978). Sex differences in the neurology of cognition: social educational and clinical implications. Le Fait Feminin. E. Sullerot. (ed.). Fayard, France, pp. 287-3-3.

Your Wingmam. (2020, February 11). Can She Love You? | Youre [sic] Wrong About Women | False Assumptions About How Women Love [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3M1DDmTuPrI&t=56s

Your Wingmam. (2020, October 13). How to Get a Girlfriend on a Dating Site During Covid! (Best Dating Sites 2021!) 2021 [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSi1sZAyMdw

Signup for Our Newsletter

Categories
Uncategorized

Super Achiever Serial Dater | the Urban Dater


You are not crazy.

Your ex might have screamed that phrase along with a barrage of insults your way when he felt exasperated during one of your many arguments, or your friends may have hinted at the possibility; maybe even your kids have said it, but you are not. I am not.

We are all the product of accelerating change in our society. The acceleration of change is usually referred to when speaking of technology. However, the accelerating changes have affected every aspect of our lives. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor and Statistics, “The civil rights movement, legislation promoting equal opportunity in employment, and the women’s rights movement created an atmosphere that was hospitable to more women working outside the home.

The dramatic increase in the labor force participation rates of women during the period was accompanied by many other social, economic, and demographic changes in the status of women:

  • Women remained single more often.
  • Of those who married, many did so later in life, and the median age at first marriage increased substantially.
  • Women elected to stay in school longer, achieving higher educational attainment than in the past and pursuing better-paying careers.
  • Women postponed childbirth to older ages and had fewer children than in previous decades. As a result of improved child care, women tended to enter the labor force even before their children started school, and they were able to maintain a longer job tenure than in previous periods.
  • Women got divorced more often; this in itself increased their labor force participation rate.”(Toossi, 2002)

As more women elected to work outside of the home, other societal changes were taking place as well. “Norms surrounding behaviors relating to sexual behavior and reproduction have been shifting in the U.S. in recent years.” (Newport, 2015) If the changes in the workplace and societal norms have been changing at an accelerating pace, then it stands to reason that these changes have produced several unintended consequences; more women are single today. “Looking to more recent history, there has been a steady decline in marriage rates (and consequently, divorce rates) since the 1980s, with no sign of slowing down. In fact, when taking population into account, marriage rates in the U.S. are now at the lowest they’ve ever been in recorded U.S. history — even lower than during The Great Depression!” (Olson, 2015)

It is safe to say that more educated professional women are working today than there were 50 years ago. As we have become more educated in academics and have excelled in our chosen professions, our focus remains the same. “From the time children grasp the idea of coupling, they are told about marriage, and the idea they will one day marry is imbued in them. Little girls especially are saturated with the idea of marriage, whether it is by parents and caregivers or by the messages they get in the media.”(William Berry, 2012)

Girls are saturated with ideas of marriage, while boys are being saturated with ideas of promiscuity. Many of us are aware of that fact but have not given up on the idea of marriage and happily ever after. There would not be reality television shows, magazines, and books cashing in our need to be married if that were not true.

When super achievers mix and mingle, we speak of accomplishment and financial gain as the true measures of happiness and success. The pink elephant in the conversation among women is always relationships and dating. The austere demeanor we have been honing for years working in the corporate arena cannot hide the truth. The energy we spend building ourselves to be better at business has not translated into success in marriage. “Romance hasn’t been entirely sidelined, but we don’t waste our time trying to cultivate a relationship unless someone is really amazing.” (Faw, 2012) Other strong women often view strong women as weak if they emphasize their need for a relationship or marriage. Our work should be our purpose. Our children should be our reason for living and breathing. But while we are taking care of everyone else, who is taking care of us? Many professional women are afraid to admit that they want to be married. The desire to get married is still there, but something keeps getting lost in translation. “In 2016, almost one-third of all adults (32 percent) have never been married, up from about one quarter (23 percent) in 1950.” (Bureau, 2016)

There is also a segment of women who were raised in single-parent homes. I am a part of that demographic. Many of my friends are too. “Between 1960 and 2016, the percentage of children living in families with two parents decreased from 88% to 69%…

During the 1960-2016 period, the percentage of children living with only their mother nearly tripled from 8 to 23 percent.” (Bureau, 2016) Our single super moms set a great professional example. They trained us how to take care of ourselves and our families while we go out here in the world and earn a living. They taught us what we needed to know to get ahead in business as a woman in a male dominated work force. We followed their example of what a mother should be and do. Were we ever taught how to date and marry? Can a single mother cover all of the bases when raising her children alone? If there is no village to stand in the gap between the single mom’s views on marriage and the reality, then what useful information do most of us gain who were raised without our fathers in the home?

My well-meaning mother would drill into my head continually: “You don’t need a man for anything. You can do it yourself!” It is safe to say that my mother’s views on marriage were less than favorable. I know she thought she was doing her best by teaching me that I do not need a man. A loving mother attempted to keep me from the same heartbreak and disappointment she experienced with my father. Initially, it was an empowering thought that eventually conflicted with what most men are taught and believe. Most men are taught to seek a woman who needs them. I am sure you have heard a version of this from men you have dated: “You have your degree(s), you have your own place, and you pay your own bills. What do you need me for?” UGHHHHH!!!

Then there is that ever-widening gender gap. Women and men are still raised with opposing viewpoints. Women are raised to be nurturers, while men are still being raised to be conquerors. Most girls are given baby dolls to ‘nurture,’ tea sets to entertain our guests, and toy ovens to feed our families. Most boys are given toolsets to build cities, toy soldiers to conquer civilizations, and video games to strategize world domination.

The socialization of boys and girls stands to reason how any of us can have a productive and meaningful interaction with one another. The seeds are sown for women to be more domestically-centered when men seem to be more accomplishment-centered. It is as if our society prepares women and men to be adversaries instead of collaborators. “Walzer found that women do more of the intellectual, mental, and emotional work of childcare and household maintenance. They do more of the learning and information processing (like researching pediatricians).” (Wade, 2016)

The disparity between what men and women are taught about marriage could fill the Mariana trench. Double standards still exist. Women are expected to be corporate CEOs and domestic CEOs simultaneously. We are so hard on ourselves and even less forgiving toward each other. We have definitely forgotten that our Middle Eastern sisters are not the only women living in a patriarchal society. We feel sorry for their plight without realizing our own. “A key point here is that patriarchy is generally not an explicit ongoing effort by men to dominate women.  It is a long-standing system that we are born into and participate in, mostly unconsciously.” (Zale, 2011) Men are not the enemy. Like us, they are not conscious of their socialization. However, they accept all of the benefits and privileges of being a member of the ruling sex.

In response, the feminist movement began taking stride. The feminist movement in America dates back to the mid 19th century. Women wanted the right to vote for the politicians representing them since their husbands’ and fathers’ political views were the only viewpoints considered in any family dynamic. More than 100 years later, feminism reached a fevered pitch. “In 1963, Betty Friedan published a book called THE FEMININE MYSTIQUE that identified “the problem that has no name.” Amid all the demands to prepare breakfast, to drive their children to activities, and to entertain guests, Friedan had the courage to ask: “Is this all there is?” “Is this really all a woman is capable of doing?” In short, the problem was that many women did not like the traditional role society prescribed for them. Friedan’s book struck a nerve. Within three years of her book’s publication, a new feminist movement was born, the likes of which had been absent since the suffrage movement. In 1966, Friedan and others formed an activist group called the NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN. NOW was dedicated to the “full participation of women in mainstream American society.” (ushistory.org, 2017). “The feminist movement of the 1960s and ’70s originally focused on dismantling workplace inequality, such as a denial of access to better jobs and salary inequity, via anti-discrimination laws.” (Tavaana.org) The majority of feminists’ sincere desire was equity, not necessarily equality. These feminists had no intention of competing with men, replacing men, or becoming men. They just wanted to be heard and understood, which was difficult in a society that traditionally taught women to be agreeable and subservient.

Maybe we are going crazy. We have more than the feminists fought for and could imagine. We lead nations, build businesses and run corporations. Women earn more money and have more political and social freedoms than at any time in our nation’s history. Societal norms are changing faster than the knowledge is being disseminated. Technology has contributed to changes in the dating landscape. Theoretically, the internet makes it possible for women and men to date globally in real-time.

Women do not have to marry the boy next door, their high schools’ athletic superstar, or their parents’ choice. Now that women have more opportunities to meet eligible men, why are the super-achiever women claiming the opposite? More opportunities do not translate into more successes. Women feel that we have more to offer a husband in terms of financial contribution to the family finances. We thought this would be a positive attribute to attract prospective husbands. Wives would share the financial responsibility that husbands have had to shoulder alone throughout history. We did not consider the changes in our collective psyches once the paradigm shifted in favor of women’s equality. Although these changes have been the catalyst for women’s great accomplishments, it tends to alienate us from our male counterparts.

So, you are not going crazy. The contradictions are making us crazy if we let them. I hate to admit it, but most super achieving women have allowed these contradictions to shape our views on marriage. Historically, our views on marriage were based on biblical or familial tradition. As with anything, biblical teaching was perverted by many pastors and leaders who seemed to have a hidden patriarchal agenda. Family traditions went by the wayside when women defied convention by entering the workforce. Whether we liked it or not, our married parents and grandparents thought they knew what qualities would characterize a good husband. That is why a prospective suitor had to meet your parents and, more importantly, your father. This man would have to demonstrate to your family that he had the wherewithal to provide a lifestyle comparable to the one he would be removing you from by marrying you and taking you away from your parental home. As stated earlier, an unintended consequence of the feminist movement is that many women are raised without their fathers in the home. If your single mom is busy bringing home the bacon, raising children, and pursuing some semblance of social life, does she have anything left to devote to vetting all of your dates? Super achieving women began to develop their own vetting processes. Many of these processes are based on popular cultural views on marriage. Some of us follow the guidance of jaded and cynical women who have not dealt with their daddy issues. More importantly, there are those of us who rely primarily on how we feel about him. As Dr. Phil so eloquently asks: “How’s that working for you?”

Occasionally super achieving women will seek wisdom from men they trust. These men offer a glimpse into the male psyche. This glimpse is sometimes hard to relate to or accept. When you have been blessed to know wise men in your life that are willing to listen to you and offer advice, it is a good idea to listen. Did I also fail to mention that super achieving women are sometimes difficult and hard-headed? Whether we agree with the information he is sharing; he is giving us invaluable insight. I think Dave Chappelle said it best in one of his stand-up specials. He said how women give most advice on men and dating, and they do not know what they are talking about. He alluded to the magazine articles about the many ways to please your man. But he said that there are only three. Most intelligent women’s heads explode at that point because it could not be that simple. Maybe these men are trying to confuse and control us. Why would a man want to make it easier to get along with a woman? This idea is ludicrous or maybe ingenious. When we run these ideas by most of our girlfriends, they usually reject male-based notions about relationships and dating.

My super achieving sister, we may be the very sexists our feminist sisters were protesting. Most women believe that we have the emotional advantage in relationships, making us more qualified to determine what a healthy relationship is. God save the man who disagrees and conforms. Yes, we have been conditioned that we are the ultimate prize to be won by a man, and once that prize was won, he would spend the rest of his life proving his worth. Fewer and fewer men share that sentiment.

We can speculate why this may be the case, but that does not get us the happily ever after. Men are not looking for the same things we are looking for in a mate, and they definitely do not think like women.

Men’s views on sex and relationships seem to be dominating the landscape. The proliferation of pornography and changing values have made it more possible for men to have sex outside of marriage. Women want to believe that a man’s proposal for marriage was a profound life-changing moment when in candor, they admitted a desire for sex regularly as one of their motivations. In the 21st century, most men can access sex across multiple platforms without much effort, and marriage seems to restrict that access in their minds. Why have one woman when they can have many? This ideology does not contribute to a super achieving woman’s sense of security, so she moves on. Serial dating is born.

Signup for Our Newsletter

Posted by Gloria C. Joyner, M.B.A.

Categories
Uncategorized

Finding the One: The Dating Program of Three


finding the one

Finding the One

If you want to know the best way to approach finding the one, listen to the wise words of the Bard. “Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.” In other words, Moderation is key. It keeps you from moving too quickly or too slowly when you’re getting to know new men and what they bring to your table. In my experience as a Love Mentor, the most powerful way to achieve moderation is by using the Dating Program of Three. And therefore, it’s the best way to find the One.

The Program of Three is exactly the opposite of the urban legend “three-date rule,” which dictates that you must decide by the third date if a guy is the potentially the One and have sex. Or risk losing him forever. On this dating program, you avoid that pressured decision and its aftermath. The deadly-dating pattern called the Flame Out that usually kills the relationship. Instead you date three men at the same time without having sex with any of them. By not seeing any one man too often, you find the men who are really into you. And who will stay the course. Plus, you break out of your prison of deadly dating patterns and maneuver more skillfully in the dating world. By following this program, you build your self-esteem and find men that are much more fulfilling.

I Know this Program Sounds Impossible

The idea of finding the One by juggling, three guys may sound challenging if not downright impossible! Let me reassure you: it has worked for thousands of women. And it won’t be difficult for you once you begin using all the tools you’ll learn here.

RELATED POST: WHERE TO MEET MEN OFF-LINE

There are four sound biological & psychological reasons why the Dating Program of Three works!

The Dating Program of Three helps you avoid the number one mistake that single women make. Like the addictive moth-to-a-flame, they get over-involved with some new guy who is supposedly the “One.” I call it the Flame-Out Deadly Dating Pattern. As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. It is like shooting up cocaine or heroin, which means reason often goes out the window. When we “fall in love” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed! These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated and focused state that allows us to have eight-hour dates and remember every detail about what our new hottie did and said. These speed-like chemicals also can drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire.

In Finding the One Avoid This Second Mistake

Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. So we tend to ruminate, fantasize and obsess about our new (drug-like) boyfriends. The new love is in our thoughts all day and in our dreams at night. Your brain says, focus on him, focus on him, focus on him.
Once this process takes you over, you become like a craving coke addict. You lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix—hot-wired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him. One look, one sweet word is all it takes. Even if you don’t really know him. Even if it is not in your best interests. And as you continue to spend more time together the addiction intensifies.

Love Addiction

In your quest for finding the One, if you move too quickly into the pulsing rush of love, you put yourself at risk. If this man rejects you or disappears, you will go through an agonizing withdrawal. Then you will suffer from sleeplessness, crying jags, over- or under eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts. all mess with your brain chemistry even further.

The Dating Program of Three safeguards you against all these dangers of love addiction. On this program you will see the new hottie less often and have a measured coming together. You will be less likely to lock on to him with a singular focus that puts you at risk. In this way you elegantly avoid getting physiologically and emotionally devastated if it turns out that he is a player. Or completely all wrong for you.

Finding the One Requires Restraint

Third, the Program of Three also stops you from having sex prematurely. Why is this so important? Simple biology. When you have sex with someone, your body drives up the levels of oxytocin both during and after the whole sexual act. Oxytocin, which has been called the cuddle and bonding hormone, creates a strong biological attachment. This means that your body may automatically start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed. Whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him! Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text. Jumping into bed too soon means you open yourself to premature infatuation and pseudo-intimacy that almost always backfires. Then, caught in the chemical soup of dopamine and oxytocin, you will likely lose your footing.

Get the Men’s Juices Flowing

Lastly, when you go about finding the one using our Program you will discover something amazing. When men find out that you are dating multiple guys, it will get their juices flowing. Some men, especially achievers, are wired to compete and win in the courtship game. In this way, their competitiveness is aroused. When his reward (you) is not easily gained, his brain will pump out more and more of the rapturous chemical dopamine. Extra dopamine intensifies his feelings of being swept away by love.

As one love researcher puts it, “Those who want to trigger romance in a would‑be lover might artfully create some mystery; barriers and uncertainty in the relationship.” When you are on the Dating Program of Three, you do not have to fake this quality of not being so available. Your finding the one program automatically accomplishes this desirable state. As one client discovered, “Now I don’t have to pretend. I am hard to get.”

Dating three guys also helps clarify what you want and need in a man. Because you can easily and instantly compare and contrast. So for example, when Friday rolls around and ‘Sean’ is cheap, Saturday’s date with ‘Randy’ will clearly showcase his giving nature. When you come from abundance in the land of men, you can give yourself many possibilities rather than just one.

How to Work the Program of Three

This dating method is challenging, but it’s truly empowering. You will keep your eye on the prize: a lasting love relationship. The finding the one program helps you break through your Deadly Dating Patterns, frees you from the “three-date rule,” and keeps you protected from all the scenarios designed to break your heart. Of course, there are definitely obstacles to creating a Program of Three, but I’ve helped thousands of women do this already, and you’re no different. You can do it, too! And this article will show you how.

I can hear you already. “Dr. Diana,” you might be thinking, “I’m still trying to find ONE man to date. How can I find three?” First of all, listen up, ladies. there are more than 51 million single men just in the U.S. right now. And different ones are coming on the market all the time! And every year, there are new online dating sites and apps that bring in whole new crops to choose from. There are men out there. No matter what your age, weight or “problem” is.

RELATED POST: HOW TO FIND TRUE LOVE IN 2020

Get Rid Of Stinking Thinking

In order to work the Love in 90 Days program, you must cut back on the negative self‑talk. Like, “I’m too fat, too old, too shy, I have too much cellulite, blah blah blah”. Most women also carry around negative self‑ talk based on scarcity. This kind of stinking thinking compels them to grab the one they’re with. They think, I might as well jump in because there are no good men out there. There are too many women and too few men! Or I have to hang on to him because I have to take whatever I can get! And other depressing, self‑defeating thoughts.

Committing to Finding the One by working the Dating Program of Three banishes this stinking thinking. There is nothing like having three men interested in you to boost your self‑esteem. And also helps you practice the kind of self‑loving inner dialogue that is an important key to creating a love relationship that lasts.

Here’s how Joan, a thirty‑nine‑year old realtor who had emerged from an empty marriage a year before she started in coaching, describes working the Program:

It has been daunting to date three men as I never had dated that many at a time. But it is helping me to stay less attached to who I think is “the one.” And with so much attention, it’s strange, but I’m just beginning to feel, “I deserve to be courted. I’m worth it for guys to hang in there and work for me.”

What if you have special challenges?

Maybe you are over 45? Or African-American? Perhaps you are a single mom or so highly successful you scare men away? In my newly revised and expanded dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love I devote an entire chapter to these groups. In it, you’ll find the latest research that dispels many of the urban love legends that we believe in. More importantly, you will learn exactly how to go about finding the one and creating a lasting love relationship.

In fact, almost every coaching client that was willing to consistently work the principles, made the Program work. No matter what her challenges or deadly dating patterns were, she was able to work a successful Dating Program of Three.

How Drew Found the One

It’s not as hard as it seems. Drew, a 42-year old single executive with weight issues, was the highest bidder at a charity auction. Guess what she won? Yes, a mentoring session with me over lunch. Here’s what she emailed me about a year later:

I particularly thought the point of ‘dating three guys at once’ was amusing at first, but then you know…. it worked. Even though at times I knew some guy wasn’t going to be the love of my life. It was still a diversion from getting over-involved too fast. Before I knew it was the right thing. I think this is the best advice ever and have passed it on to several of my friends.

Last summer, I joined a large online dating site and ended up meeting a really nice guy. Although at first not necessarily what I was looking for. We get along great, have tons in common, and it’s by far the most mature and healthy relationship I think I have ever been in. We were engaged this past October while on vacation in Florence. He proposed in front of the Fountain of Neptune in the Piazza della Signoria. We are planning a wedding for next June on Martha’s Vineyard.

Finding the One: Shift the Balance of Power

When you begin dating three men at once, you’re shifting the balance of power to be more equitable. Starting now, take a stand for yourself, a stand that says you deserve a great partner. Take your time, learn what is possible in a relationship, and start playing an active role in choosing who you’re with. Don’t wait to be chosen. Now, with all the online and offline possibilities you have an abundance of men at arm’s reach, you have the ability to pick and choose for yourself.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

4 Signs You May Be Minimizing Your Emotional Wants and Needs in Relationships


I exist with a few (okay more than a few) dysfunctional tendencies when in relationships.

That’s not to imply I have not had healthy moments when in relationships. However, there are certainly some underlying notions that have emerged which may not be the most productive. One of these happens to be minimizing emotional wants and needs when in romantic relationships.

A truly supportive and loving partner, will not (and should not) expect you to minimize your emotional wants and needs, but rather, will uplift you and ensure your wants and needs are met to the best of their abilities.

That being said, if you are a lil’ suspish that you may be minimizing your own emotional wants and needs with your current partner then keeping reading for 4 signs you may be minimizing your emotional wants and needs in relationships.

Disclaimer: The content within this post is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for talking to a health professional or a counsellor. The content is also not a substitute if you are a victim of domestic abuse or violence. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse or violence, visit endingviolencecanada.org for a list of service providers across Canada.

1. Chances are, you’ve been minimizing for a while!

British psychologist John Bowlby, a pioneer of attachment theory, instilled his belief that our formative early years when we are developing relationships with our caregivers, is when we experience significant growth in how we bond to others. This growth is what we carry with us into subsequent stages throughout our lives.

If you suspect you may be minimizing your emotional wants and needs in your adult relationships, start by reflecting on your childhood. It’s where most of our concerns in adulthood tend to stem from. Thanks mom and dad.

As a youngster, my mom was consistently keeping up with the demands as a single parent to two kids. My dad had a short temper, often leaving me feeling like I had to walk on eggshells when with him for fear of what I said or did might set him off.

I now realize that in an effort to minimize the conflict potentially bubbling up from my dad and to keep things easy for my mom, I began to make myself emotionally smaller in order to lessen my chances of “being a burden” to my parents.

Despite no longer needing to make myself emotionally smaller, somewhere in my unconscious mind I continue to do so as an adult with my romantic partners.

A question that may help you amidst your self-exploration is:

“As a child, what was your sense of emotional needs versus your parent’s reactions?”

Were you inclined to behave a certain way as a child in order to ensure your wants and needs were met by caregivers? What was the primary way in which you received love as a child – were your parents expressive in how they showed you affection, or were you made to jump through hoops in order to receive love?

Once you’ve reflected, see if you can connect similar dots between your childhood and adult relationships.

2. You Play a Metaphorical Game of Jenga in your Relationships

Many of us find ourselves playing a metaphorical game of Jenga in our relationships. Sometimes we find the perfect spot for our blocks while building the tower. Other times, we push (force?) the block into a spot where it doesn’t belong, but try to make it fit anyways without having the tower fall to the ground. Jenga AKA stress level 9000, folks.

Perhaps it’s to avoid an argument, or to avoid that nagging feeling inside of you that what is taking place is not lining up with your core beliefs and/or boundaries. Whatever the case may be, to keep things running smoothly with your boo thang, you suppress your own wants and needs in an effort to make things work. You may even conform to the wants and needs of your partner for the sake of keeping the peace.

Playing Jenga, can also look like tolerating where you’ve been placed on your partner’s priority list. You know in your heart of hearts, your bae is your numero uno priority, you’re in it to win it. However, questions float through your head as to where you stand with your partner on their list.

It’s healthy to be supportive of your partner’s wants, needs and priorities. It’s when you forgo or downplay your wants and needs in order to be supportive of someone else’s, or you force things to work, that could be a potential sign of minimizing.

3. You downplay conflict

Conflict in relationships can be healthy and productive, and can bring two people closer together amidst a disagreement. Personally, I’m not a fan of conflict and it can be quite hard for me to express points of conflict within a relationship for fear of rocking the metaphorical boat. On occasion, it goes so far as believing if I bring up a point of conflict, my partner will break up with me.
Rather than bring up points of conflict, I tend to suppress them and tolerate them.

It’s easy for an outsider looking in to say:

“Just communicate your needs, problems or points of conflict to your partner”.

However, it’s not always an easy task for someone to communicate that something is bothering them, especially if it has been engrained in them since childhood to shy away from expressing their wants and needs.

When you are not used to expressing your emotional wants and needs in healthy, productive ways, you may feel a sense of guilt when eventually you choose to do so. You may even chastise yourself for having brought them up in the first place (as I sometimes do).

Try and catch it if you find yourself saying such phrases as “this wasn’t worth bringing up”, “I’m creating problems that aren’t there”, and “I’m only making things more difficult”. Demonstrating self-compassion when attempting to express your emotional wants and needs can create a sense of safety and reassurance within oneself.

4. Your internal struggles manifest themselves externally in unhealthy ways

We all know what happens when you add candy pop rocks to Coca-Cola – it fizzes up and explodes!

A similar process can occur when we continually disallow our emotional wants and needs to be met. Eventually, we can start to see them erupt externally in unhealthy, unproductive ways.

I, like a lot of people, sometimes get upset over little things of no significance when in a relationship. In reality, these insignificant issues tend to add up to larger unconscious issues and points of conflict that haven’t been addressed. As a result, you may begin to resent your partner, or display passive-aggressive behaviors.

If you feel like you may be minimizing your emotional wants and needs in your current relationship, it’s important to communicate this to your partner. If therapy is an accessible resource to you, consider seeking guidance from a health professional, prior to having the discussion with your partner. Holding a safe space to have these discussions, whether it’s with a therapist or your partner, while feeling supported and/or loved is especially important.

Links:
– endingviolencecanada.org – https://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help-2/
– British psychologist John Bowlby – https://www.verywellmind.com/john-bowlby-biography-1907-1990-2795514

Signup for Our Newsletter

Posted by Lindsay Stroud

Lindsay is a freelance writer from Vancouver, Canada, specializing in all things personal development, relationships and travel. When not creating engaging copy more catchy than your fave 90’s boy band bop, you can find her researching her next travel destination or scouring her local neighborhood for great eateries. You can find her online at https://lindsaystroud.com/ or on Twitter @lindsaytstroud.

Categories
Uncategorized

Five Online Dating Scams to Avoid


Online dating is a fixture in today’s culture, often riddled with the same frustrations and quirks as searching for love in person. Online, though, it’s maybe not a matter of looking for love in all the wrong places, but a matter of looking for love among the wrong people.

There are thousands of scams floating around the far-flung corners of the internet, all horrendous in their own right. But the most violating and egregious are the ones that prey on those just trying to find a potential partner or love connection.

The Heartbreaking Truth (and Stats) for Online Dating Scams

The Federal Trade Commission recently reported that in 2020, online dating scams cost Americans $304 million, nearly double what Americans lost in 2019. The number of scam victims reached 32,792, an increase of 30% from the year before. The circumstances of the past year present the potential for these numbers to rise, and the methods that scammers use to become more creative.

If you’re in the online dating game, caution and education should be your strategy. The heartbreaking truth is if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Read up on these five common online dating scams so you can better protect yourself from fraudulent affection.

1. Pay My Bills Penelope

The main goal for most online scammers is to gain a payout of some kind. This may come in the form of asking for gift cards or money to cover household and travel expenses. “Innocent” mentions of unpaid bills can snowball into wire transfers of thousands of dollars meant to patch a hole in drywall or fix a leaky roof; anything to keep a scam victim’s online partner in comfort.

Along those same lines, scams for money are often presented as a dire financial situation of some type. Here are examples of stories to look out for:

“Well, I was going to fly out, but it turns out my dog has to have surgery, and I can’t afford both the surgery and the plane ticket.”

“I just lost my job and I’m having trouble paying my rent and utilities.”

“My wallet/purse was stolen and they cleaned out my accounts!”

“I got a hospital bill in the mail and I don’t have insurance; it’s outrageously high.”

“Someone stole the nice mountain bike I had right out of my garage.”

2. Flakey Phil

If your online love interest perpetually comes up with excuses to not meet in person, that’s a considerable red flag. The saying “something came up” can only be used so many times, and online dating participants should only have so much tolerance for rescheduled meetups or being stood up altogether.

Common excuses for delaying dates or not meeting up include:
They contracted an illness or injury (easy to claim in recent months).
A family emergency came up and they have to go attend to it.
They have a lot of work they need to get done and they just don’t have the time to go out.

They “fell asleep” and that’s why they didn’t respond to your messages.
They don’t have enough money to travel to meet you, or that their car broke down.

3. Eager Edgar

There’s no official timeline for how a relationship should progress, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore red flags as yours does. If your online connection professes deep feelings sooner than what might seem appropriate, take a step back and reassess a bit. Early on (even as quickly as a day or two) they might say they’ve never felt like this about someone before, or share intimate details and secrets about themselves that they claim they’ve never told anyone else. Scammers employ these tactics to instill a sense of trust in their victims, to make them think their sweetheart is confiding in them on a level unmatched by anyone else in their lives.

Some scammers even go so far as to profess love or propose marriage very early on. One word applies: beware. Either proceed with extreme caution or end communication altogether; if your instincts are triggered by too much affection too soon, chances are your suitor may not have the most romantic intentions in mind.

4. Overseas Olivia

Long distance relationships are tough. They’re even tougher when you haven’t even met the person…and it doesn’t seem likely that you will anytime soon. In fact, that goes beyond the realm of tough—it’s downright suspicious.

A common theme in online dating scams is a person who claims to work overseas (e.g. on an oil rig, or completing a construction project) or that they’re traveling abroad for a period of time. Or they might say they’re visiting friends or relatives in another country. This makes it much easier to avoid meeting in person, and may also set up a legitimate-sounding reason to ask victims for money. They may claim they don’t have the money to get home, or that they were robbed while on vacation. If someone you’re talking to online asks you to wire money, more than likely you’re at the receiving end of a scam.

5. Nosey Ned

Getting to know someone doesn’t entitle them to every detail about your life. If you notice your online suitor is unusually interested in certain aspects of your life—like what your address is, exactly, or where you bank, or your social security number—run away (figuratively). Sometimes these kinds of probing questions are heavily disguised and asked offhandedly. But more often than you’d think, sometimes the scammer won’t bother to veil the question very well at all, or will come right out and ask you directly.

You don’t have to be polite if Nosey Ned pushes uncomfortable questions at you—especially if you’ve declined to answer at least once. If it was someone who truly respected you and cared about your comfort, they would stop (or hopefully not ask you these types of questions to begin with). Unfortunately, scammers can be fairly patient, and sometimes gain a victim’s trust over months or even years. If a scammer lowers their victim’s guard and wears down their resolve, it’s much easier to get sensitive information out of them.

How To Protect Yourself From Online Dating Fraud

Not everyone on a dating website or app is a scammer. And it’s not your lot in life to be a victim. Unfortunate things may happen, but taking a proactive and cautious approach to communicate with people online can greatly reduce your risk of becoming a target.

– Never give financial or personal information to anyone, regardless of how well you know them or how trustworthy they appear to be.
– Never send money or gift cards to someone you have only met or communicated with on a dating website, app, social media platform, or over the phone.

– Confide in someone close to you about your new relationship. If they think something isn’t quite right, take their words and advice into serious consideration.

– Read up on your internet provider’s resources for being safe online.
– Don’t post details about your life on social media. Scammers can easily comb through your profile and mine information that makes you a prime target.

– Complete a reverse search of the pictures the person has on their profile to ensure they don’t belong to someone else.

If you suspect someone you’ve been talking to online to be a scammer, you can report their profile to the dating site or app administrators.

Other steps you can take:
– File a complaint with the FTC: reportfraud.ftc.gov or ftc.gov/complaint
– File a complaint with the FBI: ic3.gov
– Call the AARP Fraud Watch Network: 877-908-3360

Signup for Our Newsletter

Categories
Uncategorized

How to Overcome Loneliness Once and For All


how to overcome loneliness
Can we learn how to overcome loneliness once and for all?

Loneliness is even harder to deal with if you have experienced what I call a Nobody’s Girl upbringing. There are many different problematic scenarios in your childhood that could have led you to feel like a Nobody’s Girl. I myself had several of them in my background. I was an emotionally abandoned unwanted child. Yet, I overcame those childhood wounds and married my best friend and soul mate. You can too.

In this third blog on how to overcome loneliness we are going to delve deeply into how to end the heartache of the Nobody’s Girl syndrome! We will look at how you can change your basic model of relating intimately by having a corrective and healing relationship that gives you what you never got growing up. Later in this post, we’ll meet Jo, a very successful research chemist, who overcame her loneliness and childhood wounds through mentoring.

Let’s call this specific type of mentoring, as Needs-Based Mentoring.  It’s designed to fill your unmet needs from childhood and correct your negative self-sabotaging beliefs. And these kinds of beliefs have led to the creation of loneliness and hopelessness-generating self-talk.

RELATED POST: LONELY AND SINGLE

How to Overcome Loneliness: Secret Beliefs that Amplify Loneliness

  • Nobody wants me.
  • I’m too much for anyone to handle
  • You can only rely on yourself
  • I’m damaged goods
  • Everyone leaves me
  • I’ll always be alone
  • I don’t really need or want love in my life
  • I always screw up relationships

Yes, I know a number of these negative beliefs seem all too familiar to you. The critical thing to know about them is that they are just thoughts. Just thoughts based on how you were treated growing up. And you can change them. Close your eyes and take that in—you can change these beliefs!

Then, make a note of which ones seem to resonate with you the most. These are the ones that you can discuss with a Needs-Based Mentor, who will then help you to create affirmations that counter them and fill you with connection and hope for the future. So, for example, I deserve to be ignored or ghosted, can be countered with an affirmation like, I deserve to be attended to and chosen.

How to Overcome Loneliness: Where Did My Self-Sabotaging Beliefs Come From?

These loneliness-generating beliefs grow out of common background stories that you may have experienced growing up. They led to you knowing loneliness from an early age. Do any of these stories sound like your background?

  • Divorce war. Your needs got lost in the heat of your parents’ bitter divorce.
  • An unwanted pregnancy. You were an accident or a late life surprise.
  • Not the right gender. Your parents desperately wanted a boy.
  • Young parents. Your parents had you when they were young, self-absorbed or still partying.
  • Shuffled off. You were raised by sitters or daycare workers who were too burdened to take delight in you.
  • Favorite child wins all. Your sibling is the golden child or is sickly/needy and took all of your parents’ time and attention.
  • Addict parents. Your parents were workaholics or addicted to drugs or alcohol.
  • Illness or death. One or both parents were mentally/physically ill or died.

The most important themes include being unplanned, unwanted, and/or uncared for. The lingering effect is then you’re relating to people you tend to feel left out, ignored, invisible or like a second class citizen. In a social situation you feel like you can’t win out over other women. They have the “right stuff’ and you don’t. You don’t have a strong self-loving female identity.

I myself was the wrong gender—a fifth daughter born to a Sicilian family that only wanted a boy. My father said, “Oh, another girl, I don’t want to go to the hospital!” You get the idea. And so I grew up as a Nobody’s Girl. With lots of self-sabotaging beliefs. But there was so much more to me, just waiting to blossom.

Just like there is so much more to you than you realize!

How to Overcome Loneliness: Your Background Stories Had Nothing to Do with You!

First off, I want you to notice that not one of these background situations truly had anything to do with you. With who you really are!

Then, notice that it all had to do with your parents. Not you. Finally, note there’s no blame here just the almost inevitable outcome of bad fortune.

So these negative beliefs that you took on, were erroneous. Pure, plain and simple. It was NOT about you! You are a singularly unique, being, a child of the divine, who has her own wonderful gifts and talents. A learner, a seeker—I know because you are reading this right now. You are special, just for being who you are! BTW this is how a Needs-Based Mentor talks to you. In a corrective healing way—even if you don’t believe it at first. But over time reality-based appreciation and validation sink in.

In fact, this is how I overcame my Nobody’s Girl syndrome. I internalized validation from a mentor, a coach who noticed and appreciated me in a way that was real and inspiring. I had a new kind of healing relationship in which I got attention, and felt special and fully appreciated! Imagine if you had that, just for a moment. A fairy godmother, a real live one, comes into your life and gives you the kind of validating experience that is exactly the opposite of the way you grew up! What would that feel like? Different? Great? Like you are not alone?

Once again, this is what happened for me! And it can happen for you!

How to Overcome Loneliness: Rebooting Your Childhood and New Self-Talk (This is not a typo)

It’s really true that we can all go home again metaphorically and get some of the caring and appreciation we missed out on. In fact, you’ve already taken the first step in transcending your Nobody’s Girl programming from childhood by reading these blogs! By now you have looked at all the different dynamics holding you back. And you are beginning to understand that you’re NOT simply stuck with your childhood script and negative self-talk for the rest of your life.

The next big step is going home again and giving yourself the happy childhood you wanted. But in order to rewrite that script, you need to find mentors, people who are like fairy godmothers to you, who can right the wrongs that have happened in your past. To help you actualize the affirmations you want to live by. To help you find the love that meets the calling of your heart.

How to Overcome Loneliness Through Mentoring

Your mentor needs to be someone who knows about your warts or pimples yet sees the beauty, the poetry, the soul in you. Indeed, this is someone who believes in you and sees your attractiveness and your unique lovable qualities.  And, a person who gives you advice and encouragement to go beyond your fears. In particular, this person already experiences you as deserving and successful at love. So in that way, your mentor holds the future vision of you fulfilled as if it is happening right now.

So think through your social network for who could be like a fairy godmother to you. For example, candidates can include good aunts, stepparents, 12-step sponsors, life coaches, therapists, ministers, rabbis, or growth course leaders among others. When you find someone, ask them to have lunch or coffee with you regularly and to help you with your journey to love and self love.

So if by chance, there is no one in your network, definitely go ahead and have a gift session with one of my coaches to get started. In fact, they are all trained in Need-based Mentoring and they truly are like living fairy godmothers.

How to Overcome Loneliness: Jo, the Lonely Chemist

Due to my parents’ horrendous divorce, I always felt like a Nobody’s Girl. I felt like  I didn’t deserve love. As a result, I didn’t date much, and buried myself in my work as a research chemist. I was very lonely. Finally, at 39, I realized that I might never become a mom. And that I needed to take action.

The coaching was different that any experience I ever had—it was amazing to have a sacred safe space, to be understood, to be valued, to be encouraged and inspired! I also learned a lot about my background and how to get what I really needed. There are so many wonderful things I could say about being mentored, but the most incredible experience was getting the mothering I never had. You helped me to see that it is possible to find love and that I deserve so much more than I believed. And now I’m dating a guy who really cares for me—in a way that I never ever experienced before. And he just proposed! I can’t thank you enough!

So there is your recipe for how to overcome loneliness! Like Jo and like me, you can do it!

RELATED POST: OVERCOMING LONELINESS & THE NOBODY’S GIRL EXPERIENCE

Categories
Uncategorized

Overcoming Loneliness & The Nobody’s Girl Experience


loneliness
Loneliness is in a pandemic of its own right now.

Perhaps you are feeling it even more than other women, if you had a less-than-great childhood in which you were not exactly welcomed, appreciated and nurtured in a consistent way.  Your problematic upbringing then leads to you to experience yourself as a Nobody’s Girl.  And when you feel loneliness, you can deeply feel it at your core.  This blog is Part II of a three-part series on understanding and overcoming the Nobody’s Girl challenges you face.

I myself am a recovered Nobody’s Girl, married to the love of my life.  I’m going to share how my transformation from loneliness to love took place so you can do it too.  Let’s first start with understanding the dynamics and how those insights can lead to change. Next, we’ll talk about how coaching and mentoring can lift you out of the darkness.

RELATED POST: LONELY AND SINGLE?

Overcoming Loneliness: Understanding How Nobody’s Girl Dynamics Play Out in Your Life

Depending on personality, a Nobody’s Girl can run hot or cold.  If you are an extroverted, fiery type, who is used to being very successful in her career, you will tend to more of the elaborate performance art dedicated to manufacturing love, like our friend, Joy in our previous blog.  You work overtime to make a guy love you.

Or on the other hand, you may become wild, hostile, rebellious, even abusive to a man who falls into your orbit to ‘test’ him and push him away.  You watch yourself helplessly while you push all his buttons and get him to say exactly the wrong thing, the heartbreaking thing that will end it all.  Meanwhile it feels impossible to be authentic or real with the guy.  You’re too much of a hell child for him to handle anyway.  Often you simply dump him first, before he can do it to you.

If you tend to be more introverted or shy, you may hold back in a relationship by doing less, or being quiet, shy or unavailable.  It may be hard for you to open up if you’re too down on yourself when it comes to love and you think that everything that comes out of your mouth with a new match  is somehow wrong. You turn down dates, don’t text or call him, don’t suggest any fun activity or even seem to like him at all. But of course you do.  You just know where it’s going.  So you carve out your own little hermit world, like Anna.

Overcoming Loneliness: The Case of Anna

Anna’s first reaction to the cell ringing was surprise. But that quickly dissolved into irritation after the first bbbring and once she got a look at her caller ID. Wrong number. And right in the middle of her rarely interrupted Friday night ritual. People can be so rude.

At this very moment, she thought, some woman was staring into a bathroom mirror carefully applying mascara while trying to dial her cell phone at the same time. Or, worse, some guy was drunken dialing his ex after one-too-many Guinnesses. And she got to reap the benefits? She waited for the phone to stop ringing, the caller to hang up without leaving a message and then went back to what she was doing. . . the same thing she’d done 100 Fridays before.

After getting home from her demanding job as a ER nurse, she’d pop a dinner of lasagna in the microwave. Then she’d curl up on her couch and scrolling through her Netflix menu wondering which one to watch first while eating dinner. Needless to say, she never even looked at her Bumble account. It had been eons since she was out on a date.

To learn more about overcoming your Hermit tendencies, check out the my best-selling dating book, Love in 90 Days.

Even when a Nobody’s Girl’s behavior is not about being a Hermit like Anna, or pushing guys away, there’s always an awful lot of critical self-talk. Take a look at this next scenario and see if you find yourself in it:

Overcoming Loneliness:  The Case of Gina

He probably won’t even show, Gina thought as she drove up to the restaurant to meet her date with an interesting guy from Tinder. He’d probably just asked her out on an impulse and now that he’d had some time to think it over, wouldn’t even be there. But when she stepped out of her car, she could see his chipper little face waiting in the vestibule.

Just from the exterior, she could tell how swank the place was. Who’s this guy trying to impress? She wondered while checking her lipstick in the side mirror one last time and then heading for the door. Quite the gentleman, he opened it with a smile and said, “You look fabulous.” Whatever, she thought feeling exhausted and less than put together after a grueling week of preparing tax returns at the office. “Our table’s already set, come on inside.” Hmmm, look who’s in a rush. She smiled and said, “Thank you” a little too loud as they made their way to the table.

It was only a matter of time before he’d find something annoying about her and wanted to slip out of the date. Maybe he’d realize her outfit was too ugly or her hair looked messy or she wasn’t as much fun to be with as he’d thought. It was only a matter of time. And the clock was ticking toward rejection. But that didn’t happen and Gina was stunned.

In a flash of insight, Gina recognized that she was doing the pushing away! So she decided to change her negativity towards men and love relationships once and for all. We will have more on Gina’s successful journey to love later.

Overcoming Loneliness: How Did I Become A Nobody’s Girl?

Your current problems in love start with the first relationship struggles you had when you were a kid.  As a perfect little baby you deserved and needed a solid welcome into the world. Most people get that through the unconditional love and attention that an adoring, mothering parent  lavishes over them.  (Both mothers and fathers can be a “good mother” but we’ll use ‘she’ for right now.) The good mother sees the perfection in you: she thinks you’re extraordinary, wonderfully special. She is affectionate and an attentive caretaker for you.  The good mother makes you feel like you’re a good part of a wonderful world.

But as a Nobody’s Girl you didn’t have a stable consistent experience with a good mother. So at the most fundamental in-your-gut level, you feel like that you don’t belong, you’re anxious because you’re not at home in the world.  If you get very depressed you might even feel that you deserve to die.   The bottom line is, unconsciously or consciously, you feel basically unlovable.

So you learned to take charge and take care of yourself.  Even more so when it came to managing the end of a relationship. The good news is that, paradoxically, over time this Achilles heel turns out to be a special gift.

 Overcoming Loneliness: The Nobody’s Girl Assets 😉

Understanding your unique assets and gifts will help you overcome Nobody’s Girl challenges. And the process of growing up as a Nobody’s Girl has given you much.. You grew up fast and built yourself from scratch.  And, on one level you really don’t need anybody; you’re a hard scrabbling street-smart kid who is independent.  You have learned to do it all yourself.  You know how to take care of your car, how to get a paycheck, and most importantly how to manage your own ups and downs. How to be successful in your career.  I want you to close your eyes right now and appreciate that about you!

In addition, you know better than anyone how to rebound after being dumped, how to console yourself when a good relationship ends.  How to take it on the chin.  “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”  As  Friedrich Nietzsche said!  This means that over time you have become one incredibly strong woman!  Once again, please literally pat yourself on the back and give yourself appreciation for your great resilience, your courage, your true strength!  You rock!  We rock!

Overcoming Loneliness: The Nobody’s Girl 😉Super Compassion

You know what is going on with people.  Because of all that you’ve experienced  you don’t take any relationship for granted. You appreciate and are grateful for kindness. Being on the outside, looking in means you have learned to study what was going on with others, looking for a place to fit in or to get some love.  If you are the introverted type you may have learned to be a great listener.   If you were abused you learned to be vigilant, watchful.  This means you are a student of human behavior and can understand and read others especially well.

You especially understand the dynamics of rejection and pain.  As a result, you are deeply compassionate and feel for others who are suffering.  This means that often you have unique gifts and can heal the pain that others are going through.  As you grow and develop yourself you may be an extraordinary therapist, mentor, spiritual guide or life coach either informally or formally.  The funny thing about that is, is that as you develop these powers, people will tend to flock to you.  The Nobody’s Girl often becomes Everyone’s Healer.  This has certainly been my journey!

Take a minute and appreciate all the great assets and gifts you have, love!

Overcoming Loneliness: Healing Your Childhood Wounds 😊

It is truly never too late to heal your childhood wounds.  Those hurts and disappointments ultimately led to you becoming the Nobody’s Girl.  But remember, you also have an inner child that can be reparented!  Just like Cinderella had reparenting from her fairy godmother, who saw her beauty inside and out.  A fairy godmother who got her to the ball.  You can find such people too!  Whether it’s a mentor at work who believes in you and your potential. Or someone from church or synagogue who can show you how to heal spiritually. Or a life coach who has exceptional tools to help you overcome those inner obstacles.

What kind of coach can really help you? This is a person who sees you clearly in all your wonderfulness, like a great loving mother would.  A mentor who appreciates, respects and admires you!  In the area of relationships, a rarer commodity for sure, someone who knows about happy couples, soulmate love and even how to date to find the One.  And, yes, there is a One for you.

Healing from childhood wounds using affirmations and insights from self-help books is not only challenging but takes years of practice to get anywhere. Look I write self-help books so I know their pluses and minuses. Those who read my books and don’t practice the homework assignments or follow instructions don’t do very well.

Almost always we Nobody’s Girls need more in the form of a relationship that helps heal our childhood wounds. I certainly did.

Overcoming Loneliness: Find a Mentor

Luckily we are wired to look for mentors, role models and others who can heal our childhood wounds.  Think about who might do this in your extended family or social network.  If you can’t find anyone, consider using one of our coaches—who have been trained in reparenting and all the ins and outs of how to find the One.

This is what Gina did, and her whole life transformed.  Working with a caring, thoughtful, appreciative and knowledgeable coach,  her very own fairy godmother, she was able to ditch her Nobody’s Girl experience and is currently dating three interesting guys!!!  And she is feeling super good about herself, which is where love starts!

This is how I got over the Nobody’s Girl experience.  I looked for and found a reparenting mentor who could see the beauty, genius and lovability in me. Who guided me to be with my soulmate husband. And encouraged me to become a psychologist, teacher and author.

No matter how bad it has been for you, you can take action and change your life.  You can find and have love that meets the calling of your heart.  And you so deserve it! 😊

RELATED POST: DO YOU NEED A LOVE COACH?