You Broke Up with Someone Great

You broke up with someone great. Moving on isn’t about being enraptured by any intense emotion. It isn’t being petty. It isn’t being vindictive. Not yearning, nostalgic, or even joyful. It’s…calm…and content.

Think about it. Saying “I broke up with someone great,” automatically will make you second guess yourself. But in a good feel-good way. Because the ex you broke up with is still human. Because the break up was great. In serving them, in serving you. They are great for THAT MOMENT.

What better action will instigate change and your happiness? Who enabled that for you? Your Ex. Yes, your Great Ex. Yes, it’s a challenge to think that way. That’s why you have to read on…Here are 12 reasons they are.

1. You Woke You Up.

If it weren’t for the hardship, the processing, the idealization, and the fall thereafter, you wouldn’t see the world with fresh eyes. To all the possibilities. The great eye opener.

2. You Want More.

They sold you short. They were a great salesman. Now, you can see the gimmicks and the tricks a mile away. You know when someone is trying to pressure you into buying when it’s not mutual, and frankly, when it’s not beneficial.

3. You Love Harder.

You were flighty, needy, doubtful, fearful, angry, and desperate. But you were also brave, vulnerable, sincere, and hopeful. They were a great emotional development. There is now a deeper and more colorful tapestry to how and why you love.

4. You Heal and Hurt in New Ways.

They awakened your flaws. And let the insecurities sit by you. The insecurities bothered and hurt you at first, but soon you learned how to deal with them and eventually greet them, and finally– embrace them. Your ex was a great mirror.

5. You Want to Be Different.

They were a great comparison. Period. In goals, values, ambitions. In growth. In the way you wanted to conquer the world. Maybe it was a healthy competition. During or after the break up, your desire to evolve spiked.

6. You Want to Stay the Same.

They were a great reminder. Of who you essentially are. Of your inner child. Of the real you. Of your idiosyncrasies. Of your individuality. You still never want to completely lose.

7. They Wake Up.

You were not what they wanted or needed at the time. You were the great realization. That something was missing in themselves, missing in you, or missing in the relationship.

8. They Want More.

You were the great desire initiator. Something in the relationship that you weren’t giving. Maybe it was more affection, more admiration, or more stimulation.

9. They Love Harder.

You were the great game changer. If you both had something really meaningful, then their caliber for dating will change. If they mistreated you, lost you, and really understood the consequences, then they know to try harder the next time they shoot for love.

10. They Heal and Hurt in New Ways.

You were a great soul shaker. Break ups are the epilogue of all the challenges and obstacles in the relationship. A break up is always ultimately two-sided. Whether you were the dumpee or dumper, everything that led up to the break up and after, will stir up their demons and later hopefully, their angels.

11. They Want to Be Different.

In the same vein, you were a great inspiration. After the break up, they’ll process on whether it was a loss, an escape, or even both. And opportunity for them to stretch themselves out, run, and flourish.

12. They Want to Stay the Same

When they want to stay the same, the break up could mean one of two things. Breaking up with you could have reaffirmed to them what they truly value and find fulfilling. But it could also have convinced them they don’t want to change (for better or for worse). They are and will be then just that. The great epitome of who they are.

“Someone Great” is actually a wonderful movie under the similar title. It has the following treasure of a quote:

When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately sometimes things don’t break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter.

Your ex is great because they are great in their purpose of what they did for you in your life. So you can be someone great(er) and be with someone great(er). That’s right. Your ex may be great, but what’s in store for you is something greater.

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Posted by Sarah Suhaimi

Sarah Suhaimi practices 명음 by day and the art of dark chocolate bar swindling by night. She is currently working closely with a local Pittsburgh non-profit that serves sex-trafficked victims, Living in Liberty, as a volunteer and grant proposal writer. She founded the Southeast Asian Student Alliance (SEASA) at her university, and, as well, the “Offer Islam Campaign.” Her works vary from prose to poetry to articles. Her published works include, ‘The Home of an Immigrant’s Daughter’ in the Art Catalogue for the 2012 Dublin Biennial, Dublin, Ireland and ‘Hidden Beauty Reveals Itself (Intellect Vs Instinct)’ in the Art Catalogue for the 2011 Florence Biennale VIII, Florence, Italy.


Dating App Luxy Allows Singles to Match Based On Political Opinions

Matched among Trump supporters or the BLM movement

Luxy members search actively for singles who also support president Trump, the BLM movement or Joe Biden. Luxy detected already more than 2,900 profiles with political messages.

Singles can soon filter for singles with a preferred political mindset

As first dating app, Luxy will add a filter to give their members the opportunity to match among people with desired political opinions. Luxy is the only dating app, that does not delete political messages as long as the support is expressed tasteful and not discriminating. The political mindsets are diverse as its people range from Republicans over Democrats to the BLM movement. While political discussions should not become the focus for dating apps, Luxy gives its users the chance to find compatibility much faster if the political ideology is an important criteria.


Online Dating Safety Tips for 2020

Are you actively seeking that perfect partner? Are you looking for a special someone that truly enhances your life and shares common interests and goals with you? It can be hard to find a perfect match nowadays, especially in person. This is exactly why online dating has become such a huge trend in the past decade, growing in popularity and becoming the mainstream way to meet new people.

So what if you consider yourself a classy single, one who enjoys the finer things in life, and you want to try online dating for the first time? What should you be aware of?  The most important thing is to ensure your safety is protected at all times. With that said, we’ve gone ahead and created a list of safety tips meant for online dating in 2020.


Dating During Covid-19: Seven Ways to Do It Safely

dating during covid 19

There’s been a lot of bad news about not dating during Covid-19. There are risks to be sure. And at this writing 170,000 people have died from the pandemic. So you have to be careful if you do proceed. The good news is that guys are reaching out more because there is a desire for connection.  Because they are working alone at home, cancelling all travel and other social plans.  They feel very lonely and isolated.  They know now more than ever that they need companionship and love.  So, crisis equals opportunity!

Jeanette Starts Dating During Covid-19

And that opportunity happened to Jeanette. Jeannette, a single 46-year-old paralegal, found herself working at home for her law firm.  She felt lonely and alone in her small one-bedroom apartment, even though it overlooked a lovely nearby park.  Spurred on by only having a few cardinals for company, Jeannette got busy.  She decided that she had to try dating during Covid-19. So she took lots of new photos of herself using a selfie stick and scored one great one where she was looking warmly into the camera with a great twinkly smile. Jeannette then got more active on a large dating site and a popular app.

Along came Dave, whose profile was intriguing, although his photo didn’t immediately ignite sparks.  As they messaged and texted they found lots in common, including a shared sense of humor and a strong interest in sci fi and astronomy.  Jeannette loved Dave’s upbeat attitude about turning the pandemic lock-down into a fun foray into his new interest:  YouTube videos of the surface of Mars.  They shared many exciting virtual Zoom dates where they watched footage of Mars as well sci fi movies and stimulating lectures about the emergence of anti-gravity cars together.

After a few weeks they met at a local outdoor cafe wearing masks and shared many hours of conversation and speculation about the future.  As they casually linked arms, sparks began to fly between them.  They decided to each have a Covid test and then meet without masks.  After some amazing kisses, the rest was history.  A few months later they were quarantining together in Jeannette’s cozy apartment.

Can Dating During Covid-19 Lead to Romance?

In fact on many apps and sites, coronavirus has become one of the top icebreakers in initial messages to new matches. Social distancing is like being in a pod similar to what the contestants are placed into on the reality show Love is Blind. Couples are matched and meet without seeing each other.  Two couples  found true lasting love on that show!  You can too!

Plus more people are now finding long distance love on the internet.  They spend up to several months getting to know each other before arranging a trip to meet.  (I’ve heard great stories of people from different countries meeting on Facebook or Dating sites — and the relationships actually end up working out!)

Here then are seven great opportunities that you can take advantage of dating during Covid-19:

Dating during Covid-19 Opportunity 1:  You get to know new matches more quickly

This is a great time to get to know someone quickly—it is like being thrown into a life-raft together in the middle of a storm.  Are they proactive?  In denial about what is happening or super risk-takers? Are they germophobes? Caretakers?  How do they respond to crisis? Making lemonade out of the pandemic lemons?  Super worried or laughing about what is happening and sending you funny videos about toilet paper? You can get lots of info about your new matches right away.

Dating during Covid-19 Opportunity 2:  You can learn about how closely a guy truly matches with you

You now have a chance to quickly connect to new matches at a deeper level, rather than just on the level of appearance. You can get to know each other’s core personalities, whether you are both on the same wavelength, or have similar values, goals and styles of relating.

Use lots of virtual contact—talk and get to know each other via texts and calls.  Be sure to Facetime, Skype or Zoom so you can get some visuals. Go on virtual dates.

Dating during Covid-19 Opportunity 3: You weed out the players

Guys who just want a booty call will not hang in there as you date virtually.  They are not really interested in getting to know you.  If they sense you are not going to hook-up quickly they will move on.  This is great for saving you from heartbreak.

Dating during Covid-19 Opportunity 4: You can date 3 guys at the same time

I strongly advise women to date three men casually at the same time, with no sex. This enables you to get to know who really meets the calling of your heart.  It also empowers you, where you feel more desirable and attractive. And it helps you avoid disappointment and heartbreak–when one guy falls away, you can turn to another one.  Since you have more time in your schedule, because of not needing to commute, etc,  you can more easily do the dating program of 3 and have lots of fun!

Dating during Covid-19 Opportunity 5:  Virtual Date Ideas

Have happy hour together on Skype or Zoom.  Watch YouTube videos about your shared interests—for example, on the latest photos from Mars, keto-diet suggestions, or cool workout programs  and discuss the videos.  Or watch a movie together as you video-chat about it.  Play a multi-person online game. You can also cook a meal, or exercise while he does the same and video chat about it

Dating during Covid-19 Opportunity 6:  Safe in-person dating ideas

First, check with your government guidelines re being able to get together.  There may be places where this is frowned upon. But, if you feel an exceptional connection and attraction meet for a short date only.

On the other hand, if you are older or have a health condition that puts you at greater risk, put off meeting in person until after the pandemic is over. You can still have the relationship unfold virtually in a great way.

Dating during Covid-19 Opportunity 7:  How to make a first date work out safely and well

Before you meet, ask, How are you feeling today?  And let him know, I am feeling great! Do not meet face-to-face if either of you is not feeling great.

Do not go to his place or have him over to yours for a first date.  This is too much too soon.  It puts you at risk for contracting the virus, or having premature sex, or something worse if he is a bad egg!  Instead go for a walk. When you first meet, do not hug.  Just smile and blow some kisses his way.  End the date the same way.  If the chemistry is there it will still be there! Don’t be too physical, i.e., do not hold hands or kiss.

If you do go for some take-out food, take sanitizer, clean up an outside table and have a meal.  Do not drink from the same glass or eat from the same plate. Wash up after the date.

Dating during Covid-19 presents real opportunities for romance and love.  But if you are feeling anxious, stressed, lonely or uncertain about dating, definitely take advantage of a Breakthrough-To-Love Session with one of my expert coaches. You can have the support you need and deserve.


On Healing: Rejection and a Broken Heart

Although I struggled to admit it, I was in lust with Noah Peterson*, and I had been for six years. We were juniors in high school at the time of the incident, but my crush on Noah dated back to seventh grade, when Ms. Hamilton, in science class, paired the two of us for a genetics assignment. The project involved using Punnett squares and dice to predict the genetic traits of our hypothetical offspring. We were, in essence, “making a baby” together, and I blushed at the thought. We drew the baby on paper, and Noah declared it “the ugliest thing on the planet.” I laughed, loudly and easily, whenever Noah was around.

The crush was reciprocated back in those days; at least, that’s what everyone claimed. Noah teased me publically, the universal flirting style for a 12-year-old boy. He would make showy, idiotic remarks whenever I entered the classroom, seeking my reaction; I would giggle or roll my eyes to feign annoyance.

I resisted our eighth-grade promotion with vehemence, knowing that high school would change the interactions between Noah and me—or, at least, make them fewer in number. And it did.

But as freshmen in high school, Noah and I went to the TOLO together. I found his number in the phonebook, called up his landline, and asked for Noah when his mother answered. I could barely hear Noah’s words or my own thoughts over the echoing of my heartbeat, but I remember him saying “Sure,” which was more than enough to thrill me.

I picked out matching T-shirts for us to rep his favorite college basketball team together—the dance was an informal one—and coordinated with girlfriends and their dates; we all played games at my house before going out for Mexican food and then heading to the dance. In every picture from that evening (including the professional ones—a miracle!), I looked so happy. My cheeks flushed and my eyes smiled. I had wanted to kiss Noah for years but blissed out instead on slow dancing to his “mom’s favorite song,” Amazed by Lonestar.

Aside from occasional glimpses while passing through the high school hallways, Noah and I did not socialize over the next two years. After all, Noah and many athletically-oriented males did not stray outside the boundaries of their “cool” group any more often than most of my academically-oriented friends and I entered it. I held on tight to my fantasies of dating Noah, though, and my friends knew it.

At a home football game junior year, which was our small rural town’s main event in any given week, the student section was abuzz with talk of homecoming. I did not have a date yet, and there was, of course, only one person I had in mind. In a moment of relative quiet, between quarters, my friend Lily decided to take my fate into her own hands and, cupping them around her mouth, yelled across rows of students to Noah, who sat comfortably amidst the popular crowd.

“Noah!” She got his, and everyone’s, attention; the crowd parted briefly, and heads turned. “Want to take Allie to homecoming?”

I was desperate to disappear, feeling entirely out of control of the situation. The actual act of disappearing (running down the bleachers and through crowds lining the football field) would have drawn more attention to myself and shown that I cared (and cared deeply) about Noah’s response. So, I stood there, vulnerable, paralyzed in my fear.

“Nah, I already went to a dance with her,” he yelled back.

There it was. The final blow to any hope around what might have become of Noah and me. Friends and acquaintances looked back and forth between us, studying my face for signs of disappointment and faintly grimacing at the awkward scene.

I left at halftime, with friends. They tried to comfort me, and I deflected, making light of the situation to prevent pity and preserve dignity. I dispensed self-deprecating jokes and stuffed my face comically with foods.

I told them I wasn’t bothered by Noah’s rejection, which was as far from the truth as I could stretch.

Ten years later, though, on the couch of my therapist, I sobbed about that night. For the first time, I was letting myself feel—really feel—the pain of that very public rejection.

“Allie, this is what you need to tell me. This is what you need to show people,” my therapist told me gently. “I feel more connected to you when you let me see these parts of you.”

And then I realized: Noah’s rejection of me did not make me any less lovable to my people. In fact, it may even have had the opposite effect – making me more relatable, more approachable, more lovable. This reframe of rejection was like a healing balm to my hurting heart, and it freed me to be more vulnerable in like, lust, and love. I still feel fear when expressing romantic interest in others, but the shame is gone – or it’s leaving, anyway.

And thank goodness for that.

*All names have been changed except the author’s.

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Stella Immanuel’s theories about the relationship between demons, illness and sex have a long history

President Donald Trump has a new favorite doctor. On July 27, the president and his son Donald Trump, Jr. tweeted a viral video featuring Dr. Stella Immanuel, in which the Houston pediatrician rejected the effectiveness of wearing face masks for preventing the spread of COVID-19 and promoted hydroxychloroquine to treat the disease.

Journalists quickly dug into Immanuel’s background and found that she’s also claimed that having sex with demons can cause illnesses like cysts and endometriosis.

These beliefs don’t come out of thin air, and she’s far from the only person who holds them.

As a scholar of biblical and apocryphal literature, I’ve researched and taught how these beliefs have deep roots in early Jewish and Christian stories – one reason they continue to persist today.

Hints of demons in the Bible

As in many religions, demons in Judaism and Christianity are often evil supernatural beings that torment people.

Although it’s difficult to find a lot of clarity about demons in the Hebrew Bible, many later interpreters have understood demons to be the explanation for the “evil spirit” that haunts King Saul in the first book of Samuel.

Another example appears in the book of Tobit. This work was composed between about 225 and 175 BCE and isn’t included in the Hebrew Bible or accepted by all Christians. But it is considered part of the Bible by religious groups like Roman Catholics, Orthodox Christians, Beta Israel and the Assyrian Church of the East.

Tobit includes a narrative about a young woman named Sarah. Although Sarah doesn’t suffer any physical affliction, Asmodeus, the demon of lust, kills every man betrothed to her because of his desire for her.

The Christian gospels are full of stories linking demons and illness, with Jesus and several of his early followers casting out demons who afflict their victims. In one of the most prominent stories told in the Gospel of Mark, Jesus encounters a man possessed by a group of demons who call themselves “Legion” and sends them into a nearby herd of pigs who stampede off a cliff.

Demon lore spreads far and wide

Demons pervade biblical apocrypha, which are stories about biblical subjects that were never included in the canonical Bible and include various associations between demons, illness and sex.

The early Christian text “Acts of Thomas” was likely composed in the third century and became hugely popular, as it was eventually translated into Greek, Arabic and Syriac. It tells the story of the apostle Thomas’ travels to India as an early Christian missionary. Along the way, he encounters a number of obstacles, including people who have been possessed by demons.

In the fifth act, a woman comes to him and pleads for help. She tells the apostle how, one day at the baths, she encountered an old man and talked to him out of pity. But when he propositioned her for sex, she refused and left. Later that night, the demon in the guise of an old man attacked her in her sleep and raped her. Although the woman attempted to escape the demon the next day, he continued to find her and rape her every night, tormenting the woman for five years. Thomas then exorcises the demon.

Astaroth rides a winged beast and clutches a snake.
A 19th-century drawing of Astaroth. Louis Breton

Another demon story is found in the “Martyrdom of Bartholomew,” which probably dates back to the sixth century. Bartholomew also travels to India, where he finds that the inhabitants of a city worship an idol named Astaroth who has promised to heal all of their illnesses. But Astaroth is actually a demon who causes afflictions that he then pretends to cure in order to gain more followers. Bartholomew reveals the farce and performs several miracles to prove his own spiritual prowess. After forcing the demon to confess to his deceit, Bartholomew drives him into the wilderness.

Apocrypha, like the “Acts of Thomas” and “Acts of Bartholomew,” were popular in the medieval period and even those who couldn’t read or write knew these stories. They also helped fuel the “witch craze” of the 16th and 17th centuries, in which zealous Christian leaders persecuted and killed thousands of people – mainly women – for their beliefs, often concocting claims that they consorted with demons.

Beliefs that persist today

It’s clear that Immanuel has profited from her beliefs in the supernatural, especially in right-wing and religious circles. She has over 9,000 followers on Facebook and over 94,000 on Twitter, with a dedicated platform as a pastor. In fact, she casts herself as a prophet and destroyer of demons.

It isn’t difficult to find other modern Christians who connect demons, sex and health issues. The conservative Christian magazine Charisma published a story claiming that sex with demons causes homosexuality. And researchers recently were able to show that belief in supernatural evil could predict negative attitudes toward abortion, homosexuality, premarital sex, extramarital sex and pornography.

Meanwhile, many evangelical Americans believe that Trump is God’s chosen one, who has been tasked with fighting actual demons. Trump’s personal minister, Paula White, is just one conservative figure known to espouse these views.

If anything, the coronavirus pandemic has shown how many on the religious right continue to rely on faith over science. Studies have already emerged showing how the tension between faith and science has influenced many conservative Christians to resist the use of masks and other public health responses to the pandemic.

With many conservative Christians sharing some of the same views about demons as Immanuel – and conservative Christians forming a core base of support for the president – Trump’s promotion of the doctor’s beliefs makes perfect sense.

He’s preaching to the choir.

The Conversation

Brandon W. Hawk does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.

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Posted by the Urban Dater Contributor