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No Chemistry? Can You Still Fall in Love?


no chemistry

Can you fall in love when there’s apparently no chemistry? Have you met a nice guy who has so many of the caring and great qualities you want and need, except, there are no sparks?  This is a problem that can be maddening!  Is there a future with this guy or not?

If you continue dating him, will you be settling for a sexless relationship or marriage?  Will you feel like you are with your brother or best friend but not with your lover?  Ugh!

Well, this blog will help you answer those questions once and for all! The short answer to the question, can you fall in love with a guy when there’s no chemistry is ‘yes.’  You can even develop a great love relationship with chemistry! But there are some preconditions that need to be there to help it all work out to a happily-ever-after for you.

Client Example

Here is a recent email sent to one of my coaches by a client:

I went a tough break-up and was trying to move on and grow from the experience to ready myself for the “right” man.  We had been broken up for about a year when I discovered Dr. Diana’s book that eventually led me to entering coaching with you.  You really helped me get through it and grow so much.  I wanted to write to you to update you on where I am now in my life and how I owe so much of it to you. 

 I met the “one” about a year or within the year after you had coached me and we got married this summer!  One of the things I remember you telling me was about getting to know a guy was like opening boxes within boxes and how every box I open reveals something new about that person, to take my time truly getting to know them and be sure to unwrap each box.  Also how to open my mind to all types of men and not judging someone too quickly if I don’t consider them to be “my type.” 

When I met him the night our mutual friends threw us together, I remember thinking to myself, he’s not my type, there is no chemistry– I wasn’t attracted to him.  My friend kept telling me to give him a chance.  So I eventually took her advice and kept unwrapping each box.  I kept my mind open, living in the moment, paying attention to his actions and how he made me feel.  I developed feelings for him very slowly, hoping they would eventually catch up and that just because I wasn’t initially physically attracted to him, I still kept my mind open. 

No Chemistry? A Year Later

Well, about a year of dating this man, I realized I loved him.  Those feelings did catch up! It’s not the kind of love I had ever felt before.  It was deeper, mature, something that included everything I had been looking for and wanting.  He became more attractive to me over time and I allowed for that connection to grow. And it still is!

 I could go on and on, but finding love with the right person is possible and I’m proof at almost 53!  It’s never too late to find that right love and to seek out advice when you need it.  Thank you for that help you gave to me.  I will forever be grateful! 

 All the best, Jamie

Bottom Line: Jamie got her happiest-ever-after, a love that was beyond her imagination with a guy who seemed to have no chemistry at the beginning of the relationship.

No Chemistry? Love Comes in Surprising Packages

As Jamie discovered, sometimes what you need to be happy is different from your fantasy about it! In fact love almost always comes in a surprise package!!!  In any case, no one gets exactly what they want–in love, in career, or in anything else for that matter. And waiting around for that fantasy can cost you a lot. It is better to be heads up to see what life is bringing you, as it could be someone or something you truly need to grow and become very fulfilled.  In other words, you may have a surprise match who turns out to be an even better partner than you ever imagined!

So what are the preconditions to look at to decide whether you should give your guy who is less than sizzling hot, a chance?  This is what we will cover below!  You don’t want to miss out on love that comes right to you in a surprise package!

BTW It is best to give your no-chemistry man a chance while working the dating program of three, where you date three  guys casually at the same time with no sex (kissing and canoodling is OK).  This way you have not wasted your time by giving the no-chemistry guy a chance.

RELATED POST: THE DATING PROGRAM OF THREE

Here are preconditions and tips to  figure out what to do when you meet a great guy but there is no chemistry:

What to do when there’s no chemistry tip 1: Does he smell good to you?

That was not a typo!  Smell is key in whether a person can ultimately be attractive to you sexually.  Research has shown that guys who are genetically different from them  smell much better to women.  And are more attractive as a mate.  So  take a whiff of his neck or chest—does he smell good,  maybe even “good enough to eat”  LOL, like my husband does?  Then keep him on your dating program of three dance card.  If he does not smell good, he is not a good candidate for chemistry to develop between you.  So move on.

What to do when there’s no chemistry tip 2: Does he pass the three question litmus test?

Whether a new guy has chemistry with you or not, there are three key questions to ask to determine whether he is worth putting into your Dating Program of Three.  If your new match meets the criteria of these three questions, he could grow into having great chemistry with you!

THE THREE-QUESTION TEST

When you meet someone, ask yourself the following questions. Is this guy:

I. Crazy About Me?

  • Eager to see me
  • Reluctant to leave me
  • Interested in me and my life
  • Wants to be helpful
  • Is verbally and physically affectionate
  • Wants to be sexual with me (even if there is no chemistry yet!)
  • Acts like I am very special; doesn’t really want to date others
  • Willing to hang in there as I work the Program of Three

Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 4 of the above

II. Willing to Grow?

  • Takes suggestions or advice
  • Is self-reflective
  • Is willing to go to therapy or life coaching
  • Takes growth courses
  • Meditates or prays
  • Is in a 12-step program or men’s group

Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 2 of the above

III. Meeting the Basics?

  • Is a good guy—reliable, tells the truth, cares about others
  • Wants a real, committed relationship
  • Willing to have children if I want them
  • Successful—has a good income
  • Is a member of my religious faith
  • Isn’t in a relationship with anyone else
  • Comes from a stable family of origin
  • Is geographically desirable

Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 4 of the above

A guy has to meet the standards in each of the categories to date you on an ongoing basis. Choosing from this pool of men will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you, scoundrels who betray you, or narcissists who blame you for any problem.

And most importantly, a guy who meets all the test criteria above can provide a solid, growing relationship that can ultimately open lots of chemistry, as you move into a more trusting and intimate connection with him!

What to do when there’s no chemistry tip 3: If he passes the test above, be sure to have a second or third date.

You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting him once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. Even if you feel there is no chemistry. Chemistry can happen in a heartbeat.  You want to break your old self-sabotaging dating patterns that led you to be attracted to guys who were not right for you. Love almost always comes in a surprise package; most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves.

What to do when there’s no chemistry tip 4: Make sure some sparks fly in the first month or so

Try flirting, touching, massaging and a little kissing and hugging.  You want to have a few sparks of attraction fly out of your interaction in the first month or so.  Also, see the guy in his element, let’s say playing his guitar on zoom, or giving a talk about an environmental issue.  Does he suddenly look or feel different?  More attractive?  This means the sparks are starting to fly and you want to explore the relationship further!  On the other hand, if you try some flirting and touch and see him in his element and new sparks of attraction never happens in the first month or so, move on!

So there are four key tips to help you decide what to do with a new guy who is great and smitten with you, but you feel no chemistry.  The idea is to see if chemistry can happen! Then you could have the whole package—deep, lasting love and great passion too!

RELATED POST: HOW TO SPARK CHEMISTRY WITH A GOOD MAN

 

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Emotional Affair: How to Turnaround Your Relationship


emotional affair

Do you suspect that your partner or spouse is having an emotional affair?   Perhaps you are feeling alone and isolated, even though you are in a relationship or married, or even if you are quarantining with your partner right now. It is almost like you don’t really have love in your life even though, you do have a partner or spouse.

My coaching team is reporting that despite more physical proximity with partners, clients are saying that there’s been an increase in concerns about emotional affairs. The emotional juice, the attention, the appreciation, and caring are focused on a third person, not on them. This can even happen virtually—via texts, emails, shared photos, Facebook and phone calls. This other person, this special friend becomes a fantasy of all that is wonderful to the partner. While you languish and feel neglected.  And more and more upset, abandoned or rejected.

You may find yourself constantly fighting about the emotional affair and your partner’s special friend.  You worry that their relationship may become sexual.  Or that your partner may just run off with his or her special friend.  You may feel like your marriage or relationship is going downhill and won’t last.  You may be feeling worse and worse in terms of your attractiveness and self esteem.  These are all signs that your partner is having an emotional affair.

RELATED POST: SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL CHEATING

But the great news is that you can turn things around in your couple.  You can overcome an emotional affair.  Here are six keys that can get you back on a connected loving footing with your partner.

Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #1: Journal about your deeper feelings of pain

Get underneath your anger to journal about and explore your loneliness, sadness and  hurt.  Journal about the pain.  How you feel abandoned.  Like a second fiddle.  The suffering.  The loss in self-esteem.  The feeling of being alone and isolated. The pain you are feeling is most likely linked to childhood wounds. Link it back to some times in your childhood where you felt abandoned, for example, in dealing with a distant mother or father.  Remember that time you were ignored by your father when you appeared in your prom dress.  Or that time your mother forgot to pick you up at school. Journal freely about your experiences of abandonment now and in the past.

Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #2: Arrange a time to have an important talk with your partner

Then let your partner know that you need to have an important talk with them that affects the future of your relationship.  Arrange a time to speak where you can be alone with your partner, with no kids, cell phones or distractions.  Ask him or her to please  plan to listen to what you have to say because it affects your relationship or marriage going forward.  If this is done with very little drama and a simple serious tone, it is very very powerful!  I repeat, If this is done with very little drama and a simple serious tone, it is truly  powerful!  When delivered this way, this simple announcement will usually get your partner or spouse’s attention!

Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #3: Talk without drama

Sit down with your partner at the time you agreed to have the talk.  Make sure there are no diversions.  Once again, avoid drama. Avoiding drama fully empowers you.  Drama just weakens your position and what you have to say.  In a drama-free way remind him or her to please listen to what you have to say because you are having problems being in the relationship or marriage  going forward.  And things may not work out.  This will definitely get their attention if they are interested in being with you going forward.

Then take your journal notes and authentically share the real pain, loneliness and upset you have been having because of their relationship with their special friend.  Describe how your self-esteem has gone down, the anxiety symptoms you may be experiencing, like insomnia, or changes in appetite.  Or depressed  feelings.  Be as real as possible about your pain, upset and suffering.  Let him or her know how this ties into your childhood wounds and the deep pain you have experienced as a child.

Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #4:  In your talk, do not blame your partner or their special friend

When you are having your powerful talk with your partner, be very careful to not blame him/her or their special friend for your upset!  This will simply put them on the defensive and they will stop listening.   Just own your own pain and talk about it.  The goal is for your partner to focus on you and to have compassion for you and your pain. Just share your upset, pain and suffering, without blame.

When you are dealing with your partner’s emotional affair, usually getting angry, blaming, criticizing, or taking pot shots at your partner or their special friend gets you nowhere.  That is, unless you are the type that never expresses their anger—in which case, go for it.  If you are this type of person, express your resentment or anger authentically, but add the hurt you are feeling because of their emotional affair.

Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #5: Be clear about what you need from your partner

Without drama, let your partner know what you need him or her to do in order to move forward in the relationship or marriage.  This may include more alone time, more dates, more sex, more loving texts,  or  more intimate talks.  It can also include more nurturance, affection and validation. Where you feel like number one in the relationship!  It will almost certainly include breaking up the emotional affair.  The best way to break up the affair is to have your partner go cold turkey—no contact at all with their special friend! Ask for all the things you need in detail!  Be specific.  As in, “I need you to text me loving messages in the morning and the evening!”

Explain that if your partner does these things your relationship can move to a whole new level of love!  Because he or she will be truly coming through for you as your champion in a real and powerful way.  In a way that will heal your childhood wounds of abandonment,  touch your heart and make them your hero/heroine forever!  This is what will usually happen!  If you do take a stand and your partner rises to the occasion you can have a whole new level of love!

But to do this step you need to screw up your courage and take a stand for yourself.  You are the only one who can do that for you.  And you are worth it!

Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #6:  Stay safe!

One caveat about stating that things may not work out for your couple, or sharing your anger with  your partner over the emotional affair. If your partner may get violent with you, do not do it.  Safety is your number one concern!  If you are dealing with a violent partner, I strongly suggest you get professional help from a local therapist who can help you  deal  with the situation and if need be, find a safe house in your area.

Ok, so there you have six powerful tips for overcoming an emotional affair.  But if you are having trouble with any of the steps, take advantage of a gift session with one of my coaches.  She can definitely help you!

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Ten Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy Who May Be Shy


interesting questions to ask a guy
Are you wondering about interesting questions to ask a guy who may be shy?  Maybe there is a hottie in your life who you would like to know better or date.  It can be super challenging to interact with someone who is in the hottie zone and not know what to say or what to ask to help him open up and forge a bond.

You may feel like there are missed opportunities for connection, times when you could have opened things up between you that come and go.  This challenging process can even happen when you are first messaging a guy on a dating app, as well as IRL.   It is soooo very frustrating, I know!

So I have prepared ten great tips and questions designed to help a guy open up and start a real, heartfelt conversation with you.  Which can lead to a great friendship, a caring bond, a soulmate relationship and all kinds of wonderful outcomes!

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #1

If you see a hottie on a dating site or app, look at what he says he loves in his profile, validate his interest and ask for more info about it. You will tap into his passion and  he will respond as this is probably something he LOVES to talk about!  So for example, if he says he loves hiking in Waimea Canyon, you could say, “When did you discover Waimea?  It’s awesome!”  Or if he is a Philadelphia Eagles fan, ask him who his favorite player is.

Note, as with all these questions, if he does not respond he is not that interested or available and move on.

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #2

At the beginning of a messaging conversation, you can really open things up by throwing out three questions — two real ones and one funny one to lighten things up. One question is ok – but three, ending with a fun one really gets the conversation more interesting and memorable.  Something like, “Hey Joe I’m intrigued. I’d love to know a bit more about you! For example, where did you grow up? What kind of work do you do? And, most importantly, what’s your ultimate guilty pleasure/ favorite candy/ favorite movie of all time/secret talent/most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #3

You can also ask a funny questions like “Do you have a power animal?” or If you had a warning label, what would it say?”  “What’s your secret superpower 😉?”  Or, “What  would you do if you won the lottery”?  This differentiates you from all the other women out there.  It makes you stand out because you come across as much more interesting.  And it can really help a guy who may be shy to open up quicky!

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #4

Mine for more info about his goals You can ask questions like, “What brought you to Match (Tinder)?”  He may answer in a way that allows him to open up about his goals.  And this will tell you a lot!  Is he just looking to have fun?  Or to find a relationship?  If he says he is looking for fun or send a bare-chested photo indicating he wants a hookup, believe him!  Move on!

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #5

A super starting point in either messaging, a casual encounter, or on a first date is to ask, “Do you like adventure?”  It can open up a whole conversation about the cool trips and crazy experiences you’ve each had, and his response also tells you how likely he is to be compatible with you.  Ideally, you want a partner with a similar level of adventurousness.

A more cautious planner type and a just-go-for-it thrill-seeker will generally have a hard time making it work.  So if you’re the type to jump in the car for some surfing at the beginning of a brewing storm and he prefers to prep and plan all the details for a trip ages in advance, you may not click as naturally as you would with someone who shares your appetite for adventure.

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #6

Once you are on a date, ask him to tell you something neutral about his childhood, such as “What’s one of your favorite childhood memories?” Or, “Did you like growing up in Chicago?” After he answers, you might say, “Oh do your parents still live there?” Share more your positive childhood memories. This opens the door to give you more information and ask a follow-up question about his upbringing, such as “Oh, what are your parents like?” If he does share, you can validate him to encourage him to share more.  Say something like, “That sounds so interesting.”

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #7

So after a few dates with a guy who may be shy, a deep question to ask is  “What was the best and worst part of your childhood? The goal is to tease apart a guy’s past in a way that doesn’t feel nosy. So use a casual tone, and only ask him after sharing something about your own upbringing.  If he answers this question honestly, he will start to feel very close to you!  Learning about how he grew up will also clue you into his earliest template for love relationships. If a person is from a difficult background, that often indicates there is trouble coming down the pike. We’re not saying it’s an automatic deal-breaker if his family life was less than ideal, but it is a sign that you may have to deal with some issues in the future.   Listen carefully to his responses.

RELATED POST: 8 BEST FLIRTING TIPS WITH A SHY GUY

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #8

The question, “What are you most grateful for in your life?” can really help a guy who may be shy open up to you! This question will reveal loads about his value system and whether it fits with yours. For example, the guy who says he’s thankful for doing his health is quite different from the one who says he’s glad he snagged a big promotion at work.

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #9

“If you could have anything you wanted, what would your dream life be like?” This is a great question because you want to make sure your visions for the future sync up. Here’s how to get at that in a way that doesn’t feel loaded. Is he a free spirit or career-driven? Family-oriented or a bachelor for the long haul? In fact, all of these questions are key things to know.

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy: Tip #10

After you have had a few dates, a great question to ask is, “What’s the best and worst part of your last relationship?” You can share something like, “I’ve learned so much about myself in my last relationship,” to get the ball going.  Then ask, What’s the best and worst part of your last relationship? Use his answers to assess self insight, blame, narcissism and whether he has an overall negative belief regarding love.

Here’s what you’re looking for: a guy who is willing to open up to you, and as he does, feels to you like he could be an authentic solid, caring friend. If possible, with a secure steady attachment style.  And for sure, someone who shows he really is into you.

So the next time you wonder, what are some interesting questions to ask a guy, go for it and give these tips a whirl!

 

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How to Find Love in 2021 that Meets the Calling of Your Heart


how to find love in 2021

Are you wondering how to find love in 2021 that ends the loneliness in your life in the new year?  In spite of ongoing covid-19?  In spite of lockdown?

The great news is that it’s a very promising time to find love that meets the calling of your heart! You are currently living in what I call the Age of Abundant Love.  Research shows that now one in three marriages in the U. S. begins online. Online relationships progress to marriage faster. And they are happier marriages! Digital dating has improved the landscape of love. And Covid has not slowed that down!

In fact, the social isolation and loneliness of lockdown has actually increased digital dating. Since March of 2020 Bumble has had a 26% increase in number of messages sent.  And Tinder conversations have been 10-30% longer!

RELATED POST: DATING DURING COVID-19

So here are Five Steps to make love happen for you in the coming year.

How to Find Love in 2021, Step 1:  Have a ‘New You’ Zoom Party with Your Besties!

Invite one or two of you best friends who love you to a ‘New You’ Zoom party where they give you a ‘makeover.’ Take them into your closet via your phone and show them your clothes and accessories.  Ask them about getting rid of unflattering stuff and putting together some hot new looks for you. Ask them for referrals to great hair salons or cool clothing stores or sites. Find a look that makes you feel great—that makes you feel like your high-value Diamond Self (best self identity!).

The friends who love you can see your beautiful one-of-a-kind self.  They appreciate you in a way that is hard to appreciate yourself.  Don’t feel like you are imposing—there is usually nothing that your friends like more than giving you advice!  While you’re at it, tell them you are looking to meet someone great and to keep you in mind.  Email or text the same message to any other buddies who did not make the party.

How to Find Love in 2021, Step 2:  Prioritize Finding Love

If you didn’t have a job and needed money—looking for one would be your absolute top priority. You would spend hours posting and searching sites like LinkedIn, scanning online recruiters, asking your friends, and jumping on any leads. On the other hand, finding love probably ranks pretty low on your to do list.  Think about it!

Do you spend hours binge-watching your favorite shows, Facebooking, e-mailing, texting, surfing, or shopping on Amazon because you have nothing better to do to fill your quarantine time?  Are you busy drinking and eating a bit too much or playing your digital game?  Are you better at planning your next binge-watch fest on Netflix than planning your dating life?

How about making a decision to change that in 2021?  One single, real decision to put your love life first and foremost will change everything.  One sincere decision will make it happen for you! Study after study has shown that relationships are treasured above all else when we think about what has meant the most in our lives. So make finding love in 2021 a top priority.

How to Find Love in 2021, Step 3:  Go to Virtual Mentastic Activities

Look at the thousands of events, meetups and group activities that are happening online through Meetup.com, Zoom and other outlets, which I call Mentastic activities.  These are things that are highly interesting to you that have lots of men in them—like investment classes, virtual artificial intelligence conferences, guitar workshops—you get the idea.  Places where you can meet fabulous guys who share your exact interest. Try to see if there are more local groups in your area to concentrate on. You can strike up great messaging conversations with the interesting guys and see where it all goes.

How to Find Love in 2021, Step 4: Work Your Digital Dating Program

Throw out your old photo and profile.  Have a friend who is a good photographer, make that a great photographer, take 100 head shots of you in order to get one that looks especially warm, attractive and inviting.  Get some opposite-sex friends to help you pick out the best photo and work on your profile. Ask them what they love about  you and be sure to include all of that great stuff in your new profile!  Sign up for two digital dating sites.  I like Match (no affiliation) and Tinder (no affiliation)  because they have so many people on them and this gives you lots of choices.

Dating is a numbers game. After you post your photo and new profile,  spend at least three hours a week looking around digitally, sending and responding to messages and ultimately connecting by Zoom, Facetime, phone and (safely) in person with people.  Block out time in your daily calendar to work the program.

RELATED POST: THE DATING PROGRAM OF THREE

How to Find Love in 2021, Step 5: Date Against Type

Most people do not find love with the type of person they imagine for themselves.  The woman who dates starving artists winds up marrying a rich, balding lawyer. Love almost always comes in surprise packages.  Look at photos and profiles that you would ordinarily take a quick pass on.  If you always go for the sleek metro-sexual, give the Midwesterner who just moved to your town a try.  If you go for the hotties, try someone who is has a heart of gold and maybe only a B+ on looks.  Try and experiment.

Even if you are not exactly blown away by a person at the first Zoom or Facetime date, remember to stay open.  You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting them once.  You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides.  If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Love almost always comes in a surprise package.

Now you have your five-step plan for how to find love in the coming year! If you want help with ending your loneliness once and for all, have a Breakthrough-to-Love session with one of my gifted coaches.  It is free, but time-limited. xo

 

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How to Be a True Gentleman on a First Date


It doesn’t matter if you’ve known your date your entire life or you connected over dating apps, you always want to leave a good impression on a first date. So, what steps should you take to be a true gentleman? I wrote about what I think are the basics, so keep on reading for my handy guide to first dates.

Decide on the location

The location of the date says a lot about you. First of all, you should ask your date whether they have any preferences when it comes to where you should go. Some people prefer a sit-down dinner where you can get to know each other better, while others find this boring and unnecessary and prefer getting a couple of drinks at a local bar. If your date lets you plan the evening, you can choose a fancy restaurant but keep in mind that you might have to make reservations ahead of time as the last thing you want is to show up and be told that there is no space for you. So, put some thought into it and call ahead or reserve your table online if possible. On the other hand, if you don’t want a potentially expensive dinner, there are plenty of other options. For example, you can go see a show, visit a museum, or do something else your city offers that you know your date is interested in. The most important thing is that you prepare properly and ahead of time, as winging it often gives the impression that you are not interested in your date.

Groom well before the date

To leave a good impression, you should also spend some time on grooming. If you didn’t get a haircut in some time, you should consider setting an appointment with your hairdresser. If you have long hair, style it so that it looks nice. Trim your facial hair and remove any unwanted hair. File your nails, take a shower, and put on deodorant. Don’t overdo it with cologne. Even if that is your signature scent, keep it subtle as you don’t want to overwhelm your date.

Wear nice clothes

Nice clothes are also a must. Of course, what you wear will depend on where you are going. For instance, you will probably not wear the same thing to a restaurant and to a museum. However, you still have to look nice and put some thought into the outfit. You don’t want to go to any extremes, so avoid suits and anything that is too formal but also remember not to make it too casual by going in surfer shorts and flip-flops. Jeans or a nice pair of slacks will do just fine and you can combine them with a wide range of shirts, from collared button-downs to sweaters. You can top it all off with a smart jacket or a blazer. The shoes are important as well. Dress shoes are not necessary and sneakers are definitely something you can opt for if you don’t own any boots. However, make sure they are clean and not completely worn-out. Accessories also play a big role, so don’t overlook your socks, belt, and watch.

Bring flowers to surprise your date

I know you think it’s a cliché and old-fashioned, but that is what makes it unexpected, right? If you’re looking for something to surprise your date with and show them that you put a lot of effort into the night, consider getting them flowers. You can easily order flower arrangements and have them delivered to your home on the day of the date if you don’t have time to go to a local flower shop. Whether you opt for a single red rose or a bouquet of pink tulips, your date will surely appreciate the gesture. 

Arrive on time

Once you decide on the time, you should offer to pick up your date. If they say yes, make sure you are there on time. Don’t be late but don’t be too early either as they might not be ready. When you get there, don’t just send them a text but go up to their door. On the other hand, if you agree to meet at a certain place, you should get there a bit early in order to scope out the place, ensure your reservation is still on, get the tickets you need, or just calm yourself down before your date arrives. Greet them with a hug, give them the flowers, and compliment their appearance.

Be polite to everyone

While you will surely be nice to your date and show how chivalrous you are, you have to remember to treat other people with kindness as well. Therefore, be polite towards the waiter and don’t badmouth the people around you. Your date will surely notice your negativity and might not be interested in a second date.

Come up with interesting topics to talk about

Seeing as how you are probably going to spend the majority of the date getting to know each other, you should think of some interesting topics you can talk about. For example, some people hate small talk so don’t be scared to talk about the future and deep fears. You can offer some info about yourself and ask your date questions. Show interest in what they like and you will have no troubles holding a steady conversation. Nod and smile to show that you are paying attention. On the other hand, a topic you should definitely steer clear of is past relationships and badmouthing your exes.

Pay for the meal

If you’re going to a restaurant, you need to pay the bill, especially if you suggested the spot. Your date might offer to split the bill but don’t let them. Tell them they can do it next time. This can be a charming way to suggest that you want another date.

Don’t have an end goal

Finally, you should not set any goals for yourself at the end of the date. Sure, you might want a kiss but if the situation doesn’t feel right, don’t feel obligated to rush anything. If you think the time is right, ask your date for permission. Tell them you had a great time, thank them for the date, and see whether they would like to meet you again soon.

From deciding on the right location and putting some effort into how you look to knowing how to act and what to say, this guide should help you act like a real gentleman when you go on a date.

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Posted by Alexis Walker

Alexis is a Sydney-based part-time writer and a full-time mom of two. Her words carry the richness and offer advice and inspiration to those who desire to improve their lives. Outside of the office, she takes pleasure in spending precious time with her youngsters and absorbing the happiness they constantly radiate.

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30+ Best Dating Advice – Luxy Blog


Trying to figure out what body type men are most attracted to should be classed as an extreme sport, am I right ladies?

At Luxy, we asked us the question what body type do millionaires like to date? I have questioned whether guys like skinny girls, curvy girls or ‘a bit in the middle’ kind of girls countless times.

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How to Create Online Dating Profile Pictures They’ll Fall in Love With (so they get the opportunity to fall in love with you)


Everyone’s an expert on their own pictures, or so they think.
After all, you know your own face and body, and when you’re looking great, right?

Not so fast… the evidence says otherwise.

Wait, I don’t really look like that… do I?

Most of us have heard our own voices recorded and then played back, and that first time, experienced a rather strange sensation… “that sounds nothing like me!” But it actually does.

Just not to you, since you’re used to hearing your voice filtered through your own ear canals, your own skull, that big resonator just above your neck. If you play your recorded voice back for a friend, they’ll likely confirm that for you… “Yup, sounds exactly like you.” Gulp.

In photographs, your “inner critic” is that filter above your neck, and that little bugger has been with you, and learned all your “flaws” for your entire lifetime. Chances are your “inner critic” is entirely wrong most of the time as well. The list of things that pesky monster picks on are yours, not someone else’s. Your internal baggage, your insecurity trash can all dumped out in a big smoking, stinky, heap.

We’ve all got one. That ear you think sticks out, the eye that’s bigger than the other, or lower, that weird freckle right under your… STOP! That’s just your head-noise. Nobody else sees or cares about that stuff. Lies, lies, lies, sweet little not-so-sweet lies. During your photo session, part of your job is to send that inner critic packing for a few hours. As your photographer, it’s part of my job to help you do just that.

In my work as a career consultant and headshot photographer with hundreds of professional actors, to isolate their casting and brand accurately, we focus on “how you’re most likely to be perceived by a stranger you just met.” Imposing or comforting? Authoritative or collaborative? Upscale or blue collar? Romantic or realist? Construction worker or concert pianist? Some people call this “type casting,” I call it “getting hired.”

An actor must know how others perceive them on first impression, or they don’t often book the job they’re after, because they’re going after the wrong ones. Most inexperienced actors really have no idea how others truly perceive them, unless they’ve done the hard work of figuring this mystery out, and have become working professionals. It’s an essential skill for you to possess as well, if you’re searching for a great date that can turn into more.

Ego vs Reality

You can fight it all you want, all your ego wants, but in the overcrowded, commodity-framed world of online dating, people form snap judgements about you within seconds of viewing your profile, or more accurately, your dating profile pictures. If your shots aren’t working for you, in most cases, your profile you worked so hard on goes unread.

People are often wildly off-base and inaccurate in their intuitions, though sometimes a stranger’s perceptions can be eerily spot on. Your online dating profile portrait is your chance to guide and influence how you are perceived, how you choose to have others see you.
You can use this to your advantage, as in “honestly,” or to your disadvantage, as in “dishonestly.” I strongly suggest the former, obviously, since no one likes to be lied to, especially before they’ve even met you!

To “selfie, or not to selfie”

“Damn, I look smokin’ all oiled up on the beach,” pumped at the gym, or in that perfect pair of just right ragged worn-in jeans. Er… not so much for a prime-time online dating profile picture. You may indeed look great, but here’s the reality: You’re looking at your phone! There’s ZERO authentic connection with the person looking at your picture, no emotional message, except, well, “damn, I look hot!” Which may be great to humble your Facebook and Twitter crowd with the dazzling wonderfulness of you, but in the online dating world, with the possible exception of hook-ups, this sends all the wrong vibes.

If you’ve got a picture that you really feel truly represents you in your best light, and it’s a phone shot from your real-life adventures, then just maybe, it could be one of your profile images. But the rest of your shots should be taken with a skilled professional online dating profile portrait photographer.

Bring in the Professional, but choose wisely

There are roughly 10,000 plus professional portrait and headshot photographers in Los Angeles, all eager to take your pictures, and your hard-earned cash. Your mission is to find one who not only has technical and artistic skills, but is genuinely interested in who you are, in telling empowering you to tell your story.

They should also be someone you feel a connection with.
It’s a big ask I’ve found, because that photographer needs to have mastered a very particular set of skills beyond making lovely, competent images. They need to be able to put you at ease, get you comfortable in an inherently uncomfortable situation, and then truthfully bring out the very best aspects of who you are, inside and out. In a picture. In a couple of hours. After you’ve driven there in brutal traffic. With a headache, and mom calling on your cell right beforehand. Yeah… a big ask. But you should settle for nothing less. It’s your love-life on the line, after all.

What’s the Secret Sauce of a great online dating profile picture?

There is some magic involved here, all light, good, yummy magic, but alchemy, most surely. In my sessions with online dating clients, we start with an in-person consultation. I read your profile, ask about what kind of person you’re hoping to attract, what makes a great relationship to you. Many of my fellow photographers think I’m crazy to offer that, up front, before potential clients have even decided to hire me. I can’t imagine doing it any other way. Why? Because just like a date, this is all about chemistry.

If we don’t vibe, and create rapport, trust, ease, and excitement together in our first meeting, then I don’t agree to shoot you, and you shouldn’t hire me, because those things don’t simply appear on shoot-day. I don’t want your money so badly that I’d ever agree to shoot you if I didn’t think I could be of superb service to your journey.
If it’s not clicking between us, if there’s no fire, then with much affection and best wishes, onward, be free!

Find who you’re meant to shoot with. Take the gold from my consultation with you, and make magic with someone who really truly gets you, and is into creating with you.
Just like a date, you know pretty fast if there’s that “spark” in our meeting.

The Magic of Technique

When I shoot a client, days after we’ve chosen wardrobe, locations, worked through relaxed, connected poses on shoot day, all that good stuff, we play pretend… you know, just like you did when you were little. “Imagine that your dream date is sitting across from you right now… forget about me and my camera, let’s play some killer tunes, and imagine… where are the two of you right now? Beach-side cabin, out on the sand… okay, great. What time of day or night is it? Night time… got it. Now, she or he is sitting right next to you by this crackling fire, your toes touching tentatively under the warm sand. What do they look like? Take a moment and really feel them next to you. What does their laugh sound like? Yes, really, their laugh, the one that makes you smile no matter what… that’s right. Click.

Do you think that picture grabs a viewer’s attention more powerfully than a selfie, or if you were worrying about that funny thing you nose does when you smile, and if your hair is okay?
You betcha. It works like gang busters. They forget about all the other profiles, and you get an e-mail right then and there. I am certain this works, because my clients have told me it does.

Reach out to me on my website and let’s meet up for your consult, and I’ll show you how this alchemy thing truly works. This process can change people’s lives. I know, it’s changed many of my client’s lives… it’s changed mine too, and my elusive, perfect “she” is working in the office next to me right now. Seriously, zip me an e-mail or drop me a line. There’s nothing to lose, it’s free… and what you might gain, well, that’s up to you quite entirely. I certainly wish what I’ve found, your version of course, for you. I hope to play a small part in transforming your dream relationship, into your reality.

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How to Get A Guy to Notice You Online & Weed Out DUDs!


how to get a guy to notice you

Are you wondering how to get a guy to notice you online? Someone who is really a winner? Not only that, but just how do you weed out all those duds, you know the crazies, losers and ghosters that somehow manage to find you?

It can be super challenging and downright frustrating to find a great match on an online site/app for sure!  But finding true love can be done and is being done every day.  Even during covid-19. You just need to learn how to do it!  There are eight fantastic ways to stand out and attract lots of great guys while weeding out DUDs (Definitely Unworkable Dudes) who will just waste your time, breadcrumb, disappear or leave you in heartbreak.

For example, one of our coaching clients, a wonderful nurse named Jade, used just one of these messaging/texting tips to find her forever love– after decades of being alone.  So here are eight dating tips that will help you get a great guy to notice you.

How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip #1 Have a fantastic main photo!

This means you are smiling warmly and looking directly into the camera.  Wear a red scoop top—men are attracted to red!  And you want to show a little skin, but not too much décolletage.  Moderate makeup and a trendy haircut will make you super attractive!  Remember, men are very visual creatures and all these tips are based on research on what makes a woman attractive!!  Using a great photo like this will get you lots of guys to choose from and then you can use the rest of the tips to weed out the DUDs.

How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip #2 Challenge some item in their profile

Take a look at an attractive guy’s profile and pick out something you could gently argue against.  For example, if he says he loves long hikes alone with his dog, you could say, “But hiking together can be a high😉”   Think of the repartee you see between lovers in rom coms—they disagree and have a flirtaciously great time doing it! If they do not respond playfully, you may want to weed them out as DUDs.

How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip #3  Ask for more info about something in his profile

See what he says he loves in his profile and ask for more info about it. You will tap into his passion and  he will notice you! And respond.  So for example, if he says he loves windsurfing, you could say, “How did you get into windsurfing?  It sounds awesome!”  Or if he is a LA Clippers fan, as him who is favorite player is.

How to get a guy to notice you on Bumble: Tip #4  Use a GIF

The very best ice breaker on Bumble is a GIF.  Make it funny and flirty—for example, a GIF of Jennifer Aniston where you say, “Jennifer let the cat out of the bag about your awesomeness😉”   Or find a funny or unique one and say “This one’s for you, Mr Handsome.”

How to get a guy to notice you on Bumble: Tip #5  Ask funny questions

In addition to GIFs you can also ask a funny question like “Do you have a power animal?” or If you had a warning label, what would it say?”  “What’s your secret superpower?”  Or, “What would you do if you won the lottery”?  This differentiates you from all the other women out there.  It makes you stand out because you come across as much more interesting.  These are the kinds of funny questions that our coaching client Jade used to attract a wonderful lawyer who could have had his pick of any number of women.  He was so attracted by her playfulness.  They are now engaged.

How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip # 6 Use three magic questions

For example, our brilliant Chief Creative Officer, Emily Manning from www.Lovein90DaysUniversity.com suggests, at the very start of the messaging conversation  it’s a game-changer to throw out three questions — two real ones and one funny to lighten things up. One question is ok – but three, ending with a fun one really gets the conversation more interesting and memorable. Something like, “Hey Joe I’m intrigued. I’d love to know a bit more about you! For example, where did you grow up? What kind of work do you do? And, most importantly, what’s your ultimate guilty pleasure/ favorite candy/ favorite movie of all time/secret talent/most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

 

Pay close attention to how he answers so you can weed out the DUDs!   If he looks like a good guy and appears to have his life together, continue to communicate for fun and see if he emerges as a good candidate. We especially recommend this if your dance card isn’t full as it can keep your high vibe energy going. Even if the guys aren’t serious candidates you can give them a little time to see if they can step up! You can usually tell after a few message exchanges.   The great guys usually see the questions as a fun game – like they need to pass a test. It sets you up right away as the high value decider/ chooser/interviewer.

 

How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip # 7 Mine for more info about his goals

You can ask questions like, “What brought you to Match (Bumble)?”  Will get a clue about long term goals.  Is he just looking to have fun?  Or to find a relationship?  You can also mix in a funny one, like, “What is your relationship goal? You want 27 kids LOL?”  Once again this sets you up as the chooser.

How to get a guy to notice you online: Tip # 8 Qualify the guy as a good match before you meet!

One key thing that will help you avoid wasting your valuable time with DUDs:  If they ask you out really quickly, qualify them as good matches. Text, “I’d love to meet, Joe! I just need to know a bit more about you first. Then add two serious and one fun question. You can even go the silly route – like “Do you take peperoni on your pizza?” Or, “What’s the funniest text you’ve ever gotten?” Google “Fun get to know you questions” to find more options. This is makes you different from the average woman who is just asking same-old “how was your day” questions.

So, if you are wondering how to get a great guy to notice you online while weeding out DUDs, get a great photo, use GIFs, real questions and a few funny ones with guys you are interested in. Ultimately, the best candidates will respond playfully and give you more info about themselves up front. You want a guy who shares about himself, has your sense of humor, a great guy who has it going on!! And you CAN find him!

Here’s my latest video on how to get a great guy to notice you online.

 

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3 Reasons You Believe a Good Man is Hard to Find


If you ask 3 women why they’re not in a relationship, you’ll get 3 different answers. A lot of us are taught, “trust the timing, the right man will come to sweep you off your feet” but for some, that’s a blurry image to picture. And of course, there’s ongoing anxiety over the pandemic.

FYI: People are meeting people and finding love this year– it’s still happening, sis! The world hasn’t stopped, people are just getting more creative with adapting 6-feet apart.

If you’re having trouble figuring out why it’s hard for you to find a good man (outside of social distancing), read on to see if you connect with any of these reasons.

1. You’re not being available to yourself.

Being available to yourself includes seeing yourself the way you want to be seen in a relationship, keeping promises to yourself, treating yourself the way you want to be treated, or speaking to yourself in a lovingly way. This problem is common with people who tend to get stuck in codependent relationships, people-pleasers, and people who struggle with putting themselves first due to a lack of boundaries.

If you’re not showing up for yourself consistently, it’s going to be hard for someone to show up in the way that you want them to.

Your actions could show that you’re doing things with the expectation that you’ll get loved in return, instead of doing actions strictly from the heart. These “loving actions” could energetically be read as doing things out of fear or not being enough. If your energy is fearful or depleted, you could be repelling the healthy love that you want. Don’t negotiate love, queen. You’re worth the extra mile!

Instead of over-working yourself physically, emotionally, or financially to the next partner, pour all of that time and attention into yourself and only do things from the heart without an expectation.

When we give ourselves emotional support, practice self-compassion, and deal with our frustrating moments mindfully, it becomes easier to invite other people to love you similarly.

2. You haven’t resolved your past relationship pain.

Taking the time to work through all of your past relationship wounds is a crucial step in making room to attract the right man. One way you could work through this healing process is to find ways to deeply reflect on your past relationship trauma. I recommend practicing acceptance and peace for the past, identifying your role and behaviors that you had in past relationships, and work through forgiveness. This opens up the door to attract the right kind of love from a man.

But give yourself time. Recognize that you may not be ready for a relationship because you’re still healing or that you still may be involved with the person you’re trying to end things with are things that can block you from having new healthy love into your life.

3. You have a belief that you can’t have the love that you want.

This is a huge block because we attract what we believe. If there’s a part of you that believes you can’t have an amazing relationship due to past relationships with family members or romantic partners, the Law of Attraction or the universe will aim to prove you right.

If you’re constantly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, non-committing, toxic, or with very little going for themselves, it’s no coincidence–at some point in your life, you’ve made up your mind that there’s nothing better out there.

Some ways that we block our love-blessings is by believing in the excuses and stories we tell ourselves. “Chile, I’m 40– it’s too late for me. I’m introverted, how can I meet Mr. Right? I need to lose 10 lbs before I can find the man of my dreams. All the good ones are taken. I’ll have to move to a different state to meet the right man. I’m divorced with 3 children, who will want to be a stepdad?”

Take a second look at those statements above and I bet you’ll find a friend or a colleague who can prove one of those (if not all of them) wrong.

Now granted, there are legit excuses like, “Nah sis, the Rona’s out there” or “I do need to take the time to love myself more so that I won’t get in an unhealthy relationship or give too much of myself to the next man.” I get it and I want to honor the challenging situations that come up.

However, you can still work on changing your overall belief system because no pandemic in history has ever lasted forever. So if online dating or wearing a mask-n-chill isn’t your thing, rest assured you can very much create a post-COVID dating plan.

Also, writing out that you deserve it and that you’re more than worthy of having this relationship is a powerful way to start working with your beliefs.

The good thing is you have the power to change these 3 blocks. When you change your energy, the way that people treat you has to (and will) change. To put some of these old and tired excuses behind you, I encourage you to spend 15 minutes writing out the way you want to be loved and valued. What does that look for you?

Psst! I’m teaching a Self-Love mini-course all about increasing your self-love and attracting a healthy relationship. And it’s FREE! Would you like to sign up? Click here to register for it!

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Have You Met a Control Freak? 5 Red Flags


Dating can be a minefield for many reasons. While there are many great people out there, unfortunately, there are also plenty of guys who are controlling in their lives and relationships. Most of us will instinctively try to avoid those who are obviously domineering or jealous. However, people can sometimes hide it well. You may be in the “talking stage” with a guy you have met on a dating app or a friend who seems keen to date you. You may have even been on the first date and feel a little unsure about aspects of his behavior. If you are wondering how to spot a control freak before you get too invested in them, I have listed five red flags that you should look out for!

Why are some men controlling?

There are various reasons why someone may be a control freak. Some men are just plain cruel, while others may be flawed for other reasons. They may have been brought up in bad circumstances or suffer from anxieties or disorders that make them terrified of losing control of any aspect of their lives. While the causes of people’s issues may be out of their control, that does not mean that you have to tolerate not being respected.

Men can sometimes be controlling unintentionally. You should clarify that this behavior is not something that you are willing to accept. A good guy will acknowledge your concerns and agree to change his ways. If he dismisses your feelings, he is probably not somebody you should get in a relationship with. You can bet that a guy who manifests the signs of controlling behaviour over messages before you have even met would end up being a controlling boyfriend and trust me, you don’t want to end up with one. I’ve been in this situation myself after I chose to ignore the early signs of controlling behaviour and I’d like to share my experiences with you so you spot those red flags and avoid a stressful and possibly abusive relationship.

Red flags that you’ve met a control freak

The dating process is a way to get to know someone and work out if they are a suitable partner before you commit to a serious relationship. This process can start as soon as you give somebody your phone number or accept their social media friend request, or you may have matched with him on Tinder or another dating app and be trying to get an idea of who he is through messaging before you agree to meet him in person. This stage is very useful for screening potential partners for red flags! So what are the early signs that a man you’ve met is a control freak?

1. He hates you interacting with other people

If a guy you have been talking to gets annoyed or angry at the idea of you spending time with other people he may consider as rivals, this is a big red flag. While it is normal to want exclusivity with someone you are dating seriously, getting angry at an early stage (especially before the first date!) is usually a sign of being controlling.

When I was younger and more naive, I started messaging a guy from a dating site. Within a week of speaking to him, he had accused me of “sleeping around” because he saw an Instagram photo of me with a male friend. Foolishly, I ignored this red flag and agreed to go on a date with him a couple of weeks later. Surprise, surprise, he turned out to be a nightmare. My advice if you are in this situation: steer clear!

2. He wants to choose everything about the date

While it is sometimes nice to have him plan everything if he wants to take you on a date and insists on planning every aspect of it, this can be a bad sign. I’ve spoken to guys who literally would not let me choose the restaurant, the meeting time, or even what I wore on the date! As you can imagine, these relationships did not last long. If a guy you are messaging is not open to any suggestions or compromise, you are best off avoiding them. Just imagine how controlling he could be if the two of you ever lived together or had children?

3. He criticizes your appearance

Have you ever had a guy text you criticisms about what you wear, or leave critical comments on your Instagram photos? He may tell you that your skirt is too short or your dress too low-cut, or he may tell you that you aren’t showing enough skin. While these criticisms seem to be the opposite of each other, the psychology they reveal is similar: he wants to control what you wear because he sees your body as his property.

4. He sulks when he doesn’t get his way

Throwing a tantrum or sulking when you don’t get what you want is a habit that most people grow out of during childhood. Unfortunately, many people continue this into adulthood. While men who get aggressive when they don’t get their way are usually easy to spot, being passive-aggressive can be more subtle yet manipulative. If his sulks are triggered by anything from you not responding to his texts instantly to not wanting to send him nudes or agree to sleep with him, this is a major red flag. Part of maturity is learning to deal with and hide your disappointment, and a healthy relationship means compromise.

5. Others warn you about him

If other people who know him, such as his friends or exes, warn you about him, you should usually listen. Although many guys can seem incredibly friendly and charming at first, some people have a possessive, controlling side that only reveals itself after some time. If he seems nothing but sweet and lovely to you while you are getting to know him but has a bad reputation among others, this shouldn’t be ignored. There are countless stories of seemingly kind men turning out to be controlling and even abusive in the long run.

What should you do if you notice any of these signs in a guy you are talking to or considering dating? Ultimately, the choice is yours. Red flags are not always a cause to run a mile, but they do signal a potential future issue, and you should keep an eye out for them when choosing who to date.

Minor obsessive habits can be more of a sign of low self-esteem than of harmful intent. If you notice one or two minor signs, you should call him out on them. If he responds apologetically, feels embarrassed, and takes your feelings on-board, these can sometimes be overcome. After all, nobody is perfect! However, if he is just a selfish and controlling person who does not respect you, it is best to break things off before it is too late.

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